That is the same reason we never argue – because we choose not to. We can make that choice because we know another way to be with each other. We are able to find mutual solutions to problem solving, decision making and how we treat each other in the activities of our daily lives.
To do those things without arguing we use these tools to fulfill our shared intentions, and they can be applied in your relationship too:
- Being on the Same Side
You’re partners, you have shared goals, there is strength in working as a team. You’re past the dating phase, you’ve made a commitment to each other. Maybe it was through your wedding vows, maybe you’ve spoken your intentions to be supportive, but whatever it is, remembering you’re both on the same side is a powerful tool, and when you are, then there is no real reason for conflict.
- Completely Accepting Each Other
This means not trying to change your partner at all, but accepting everything, strengths and weaknesses alike. Think of an old, treasured possession of yours. Its very nicks, gouges, fading and wear are part of its character. The Japanese call this wabi-sabi. These flaws are endearing, not endured. And look at your partner’s strengths, not their weaknesses. We change our world by what we look at, and focusing on flaws is a guarantee for disappointment. Whether the demand is “You should wear a tie this evening” or “You need to finish that degree,” it’s a pressure to be a certain way, and detracts from the ability to be whole, to be authentic, to express your true self.
- Celebrating the Difference
As you practice this type of acceptance, you will find yourselves having a new experience. When you are not challenged by the differences in how you express your shared core values, then you begin to really appreciate how much your lives are enriched by your partner being a completely separate and unique individual. You see the same values being lived and expressed in an entirely different way, and that can open up new experiences and give more color and richness to everything.
- Being Open to Other Possibilities
When two people hold different positions, something has to give, and that can’t happen when you’re locked into your position. Is that the only solution in the whole world that works? Is that the only resolution that will satisfy you? Is it more important to be right, or to create something together that fulfills both of you?
- Staying in the Present
All too often people argue and become estranged from each other because they are acting from occurrences in their past and are not really in the present with their partner reacting to what is actually happening. Being in the present with your partner enables you to achieve the goals you have at present instead of reliving something that you have already left behind.
If you use these tools, there is no need to argue. When you feel fully accepted, you can express yourself freely without fear of criticism. And with that expression, many of the needs for argument vanish. When you are not locked into your original position, you can explore others with your partner until you find one that works for both of you. That is why we are never reduced to arguing, or creating distance and estrangements within our relationship. This may sound like a simplification, but in essence, it truly is very simple. Keep reminding each other what your intentions for your relationship are, and they will quite naturally come into being.