Introduction

This is the introduction and one chapter from "Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed" by Phil and Maude Mayes, made specially available for people who voted  in the Peace Poll at http://peacepoll.org/

Thanks for your vote!

“Do you realize that in the year that we've known each other, we've never argued?”

We were in a log cabin in Central California, celebrating our first anniversary of meeting, and it was just starting to become clear to us that our relationship was out of the ordinary. In the years since then, we have been astounded again and again by the peaceful nature of our union. We live with an amazing lack of conflict and an ever increasing experience of joy, ease and harmony. In fact, this experience is so profound, that we both feel compelled to share it with others.

Our goal is not a small one. We wish to be a part of spreading peace on Earth between people. We are convinced that some of the things we have learned from our time together can be applied to any and all relationships, romantic or not. It's not our intention to offer rules for how relationships should be, for every one is different. Instead, we have chosen to share how we are, with the idea that when something resonates, you will be able to apply it in your own way, and by doing so, bring more peace and harmony into your life.

After some years of experiencing our unusually successful union, we started to explore it in writing together. We chose the forum of a blog, and for several years wrote back and forth to each other. At a certain point, we reviewed all the blogs, and a number of themes emerged, which we have put together in this book. We wrote the introduction to each theme and then selected blog entries to illustrate and expand on them. The themes are tightly interwoven, so the writings in each chapter echo and connect to the others.

These ideas are simple but very powerful. We believe that if you are open to the possibility of a different way of relating, of changing your frame of reference, a magical transformation can take place. We know from our experience that it is real and tangible, not a theory, not thoughts, not a collection of ideas. We hope you can find inspiration for your own life in what we have shared.

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.”

RAINER MARIA RILKE

Peace

It may seem a bit strange to be talking about peace in the context of relationships. Nevertheless, the actual experience of peace has been life-altering for us, and it has come to us through the way we are together. We both arrived here through different routes: Phil through struggle, and Maude through family example, but no matter what the starting point, everyone can come to it.

There is much said about peace, and yet we can't help but wonder how often people have actually experienced it in their lives. Once you have this experience, it is so powerful, so all-encompassing, so wonderful, you would never want to dwell anywhere else. Once tasted, peace is so alluring that it naturally crowds out all attraction towards dissonance and disharmony. And when you can take the hand of another and walk that path together, you see that the whole world could be changed by just that act.

Maude:    The Attraction of Peace

If I were to describe how we are together, the primary thing would be peace. Indeed, we have found a way to coexist in a place of balance and harmony that both supports and encourages each of us in our own personal development. We are not contributing to discord and dissonance. I do not find that I am ever pushed to respond from my lowest of reactions, from the animal parts of me that are lurking below the surface. Instead, I feel that I am living in my best part, in my higher realms of personality actualization. Your very presence and the experience of the kind of relating that we do so easily and naturally has landed me in a world colored by meaning and value. We have the experience of relationship filled with peace, harmony, joy, love, truth, beauty and goodness. We are manifesting our core values, that which feels real to me. We do this without any energy going toward the illusory, the imagined energies of anger, conflict, fear. And yet, there is no struggle involved. As actively as we live this together, it feels as though it is the easiest thing possible. And the most attractive.

The attraction toward harmony and lack of tensions is a critical component in being together as we are. It has to pull you toward it. You have to want to leave the juice of conflict behind you. You have to find a way to allow peace to occur.

Phil:    Peace is Being not Doing

I think peace is more a case of being than doing. In the world, I struggle with the seized-up bolt, go to work, balance the checkbook and deal with the termites in the eaves, but being peaceful is a state that you and I are in, not an activity. It seems that we're just plain lucky to have this peace between us – graced, to use a more delicate term. Yet it also feels intentional, that we do something to create this harmony. I think that when we are together, you and I open up to each other, and in turn fully accept all that is offered. This makes a space where it is possible to be undefended, and creates that deep peaceful feeling, not just sometimes, but every time we are together. This is so wonderful, because instead of needing to put effort into the relationship, I am revived, and can apply all my energy to the challenges of the world.

Maude:    Peace Brings Joy

The energies that we are filled with while spending time with one another are both sustaining and nourishing. When people can relate without struggle, without the desire for power or to overpower, a buoying force pervades the exchange. This visceral experience of calm, love and peace transcends fear and anxiety. It supports a trust of being present with your whole person. It supports undefended participation in everything. It brings joy.

When people can relate in this way with each other, new unique creations occur.

Phil:    Where Do Arguments Come From?

My Dear Maude,

I contrast how we are with people who act like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We have both had partners like this. One moment, everything is fine, then POW! Something sets them off, and someone unrecognized appears: maybe hysterical, maybe furious, maybe withdrawn.

There are several ways we react to this. One is to defend against the attack, to fight back, to deny the accusations. A second is to feel guilty, to feel the attack is justified in some way. Maybe I should have called her back? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that? It’s easy to react this way because sometimes we do screw up, and in such cases, this is the only way out. A third way is to try and fix it, to do whatever it takes, because she is your partner and she is in pain, and because you want normal service to resume as soon as possible.

It was with A., a very volatile partner, that I first noticed the rock. When she got angry, I wouldn’t let myself get dragged in. I would not let myself be affected by it. Oh, there were times it went on so long that I reacted in anger at the whole mess, but in general, I could just let it wash over me, could wait it out, be a rock in the stream.

I write about all this because we don’t do it. Ever. In its place is a constancy, one that we both remarked on after getting to know each other. I love the consistency. Of course there is variability: sometimes you are tired or ill or quiet, but I never feel that you have changed in how you are and how you see me, and this is profoundly calming and peaceful. Thank you.

Maude:    Talking and Developing a Taste for Peace

Dear Phil,

I love how we talk about things and just seem to come to resolutions or decisions. This has always been a basic aspect of our time together and maybe this is one of the critical factors. We have always really talked with each other. We have a comfortable and natural style of talking over things with each other and forming a plan of action or coming to a decision. I think often when people are feeling upset with each other or angry or misunderstood, it is because they do not really stay in communication. They have to guess what the other is thinking or feeling and this leads to distance, fear and lack of harmony. If communicating becomes a natural part of how people are with each other, then many of the conflicts and problems will probably never even arise. Can something this simple really be an antidote to so many problems? Yes, I think it can.

Another thing is that neither of us is really attracted to conflict or fighting or any of those kinds of energies. We are strongly attracted to peace and union and harmony and kindness and happiness and love. We both seem to be totally fulfilled with these emotions and experiences and have no attraction at all to the chemical rushes associated with the other. I think very often, people have come to associate these negative feelings with having feelings at all. For this reason, they seek for the strong rushes of discord. Perhaps it wouldn’t be all that difficult to work on switching attractions. To develop a taste for harmony!

Phil:    The Banquet

My Dear Maude:

I love what you say about peace and how we are. I still cannot distinguish who brought what to the table, but I am so grateful for the banquet, and say thanks that we are graced with this feast. At the same time, it does seem that we are responsible for cooking this up together.

I feel that the recipe for peace is so simple that anyone can grasp it and taste it, and once they do, will choose to remain at the table. And as others join us in such a way, we will feed the entire world.

“Imagine all the people

Living life in peace.”

JOHN LENNON

Vote and find out more about the Peace Poll at:

http://peacepoll.org/

Find out about the book at

http://philandmaude.com/

Table of Contents

Introduction

Peace