One requirement for a successful relationship is that your core values match. What do we mean by core values? Well, they are what you value – duh – and you’re gonna have to name them for yourself. Not everybody holds the same values, because if they did, the issue of needing a match wouldn’t arise. For some people they might be honesty and openness, and for others, power and control.
Having considered value, it’s time to look at what makes them core. Core values and their meanings are the very center of a person’s being. They are the things that evolve throughout your life that you base your behavior on, the way you respond to others and how you make decisions. Core values are not beliefs; they underlie beliefs. They are aligned with your sense of right and wrong, your definition of goodness and the very raison d’être of your being.
If they do not match or mesh with your partner, then your relationship cannot succeed. This may sound harsh, but for the kind of relating that we are sharing about, it is an absolute requirement.
Core values are different for each person, but the universal principles that they are built on have to be in consonance within your relationship in order to experience the kind of peace and passion we are expounding.
Sometimes you get to know your core values through the inspirational acts of others; sometimes you recognize them from when they are transgressed – whether by you or another. Think of your behaviors from long ago that you still regret. (Sociopaths need not apply.)
It is often hard to see core values because so many other values get overlaid, whether inherited from family, acquired through friends, adopted through society or sold through advertising. It is all too easy to be attracted to someone either by superficial things like money and status or by deeper real needs like sex or company, while ignoring a mismatch in core values. Most people have made relationship mistakes like this, but by being aware of the importance of core values, you can use that to make better decisions.
Much of what we teach on how to have a non-conflictual relationship is based on an understanding of core values and the alignment of core values within that relationship. So, in reflecting on how to have a partnership that does not involve divisiveness and estrangements, it is reasonable to ask yourself, “What are my core values and do they match with my partner’s?”
Once you know that your core values match, something you must learn from both words and actions, then you can practice the type of complete acceptance and respect for the sacrosanct nature of another individual that is required for the type of partnership we share and practice.
If it is your goal to have a relationship of abiding peace and great joy, without the pettiness and negativity of distrust and fighting, then you must learn to know yourself and your core values and to share these freely with your mate. No amount of wishing and manipulation will make things work if you do not share meanings and values.