If you are nodding your head and answering yes to these questions, you are not alone. Sadly, many couples lose that critical connection without even realizing it. When that sense of togetherness is no longer there, couples often wind up viewing each other as adversaries in a continuous battle of one kind or another. True communication comes to a halt and an insidious form of bickering and sniping at each other ensues.
Fortunately, there is much that can be done to renew the bond between you and your partner. Approach your partner as the best friend you know in your heart they are. Voice your desire to refresh and enliven your connection. Suggest a time apart from your daily responsibilities and activities for the two of you to get together when you will not be disturbed. Set aside accusations, discussions of anything wrong or missing, keeping score, making lists, or any of the other things that lead you down the path of separation and estrangement. This is not a meeting to resolve issues between you; this is a way to connect with your partner. It should be associated with fun and pleasure and not loaded with images of ’talking’ or problem solving.
Begin the healing:
- Approach your partner as your best friend.
- Voice your desire to get together apart from the daily chores and activities.
- Avoid accusations and recriminations.
- Do not make it sound like you are going to have a “talk”.
- Communicate your desire to connect with your partner.
Approach your partner as the best friend you know in your heart they are Click To TweetDon’t give up if it takes a while to arrange your get together. You have already created some patterns of distrust and it may take some time to break through that. Remain positive and on track. Remember you are really both on the same side. You both want the same things, even if its hard to reconnect to that feeling. A wonderful way for both of you to recall that sense of union, is to actually experience it.
When you do come together, create a relaxed and comfortable setting. Be close to each other and try to remain in physical contact. Don’t go backward and try to discuss things that have occurred. Move forward and occupy the present together. Speak the truth that you are both on the same side and both want the best for each other. When communicating, speak personally about your own feelings and do not comment on your partner’s; let them speak for themselves. Practice active listening, not just as a practice, but because you really want to connect to each other. You are truly interested in what your partner has to say. Keep an empty mind so you can hear what is being said and don’t be preparing an answer or rebuttal while your mate is talking. This is not about being right. This is about feeling your true connection to each other.
Spend your time appreciating and acknowledging each other out loud, sharing how much you mean to each other. If either one of you loses your balance and starts the old behaviors that are separating and argumentative, stay the course; don’t let your buttons get pushed. Remind each other how good it is to be together, and help your partner find their way back to you by remaining loving and supportive. Actions and words that feel good are much easier to put forth than those that cause tension and anger. The more you practice this together, the better you will both get at it. Together is the operative word here!
Don’t give up on each other too quickly. You may have been behaving in a more destructive manner for a longer time. The distance you experience can be bridged. It may take time, but underneath, you both want the same thing: a happy supportive relationship with a partner who is on your side and who wishes you the best at all times. Find your way back to each other. This is not an exercise in resolving issues that you have; instead, it is a foundation for that. By setting the issues aside and re-establishing your connection, problems can be tackled as a partnership rather than as two adversaries. Most of all, remember this is fun, this can be ecstatic pleasure. Treat it as a new adventure, the adventure of union, of two in the one.