The Paradox of Union and Separateness in a Relationship

Phil: I want to write about how we create these blogs because it illuminates the way we are together.

We usually talk about topics until one appears and feels fruitful, explore it some, then go off and write separately. When we come together again, we may amalgamate our different voices, interleave our different aspects, or take one as the framework and polish it, but whatever way we end up writing, one thing is certain: that we each agree with what the other has written, even though it may be in a different voice.

There is an explanation for this: that we are both writing about the same thing – and this is where it gets difficult, because it is a knowing, an experience, that is the source, and words are poor descriptors. So what can I call it? Think of a handshake and the shape of your hand. The other person’s hand forms a shape that is different but intimately connected to your own. It feels as if we come so close together because of full acceptance that we actually touch, not in the physical world like the handshake, but in some intangible world, and the boundary where we meet is shared and mutually recognizable. But that agreement that we always have is best described as a single source, as if we have merged into a – what? A shared agreement, a cosmic connection, a merged consciousness? No, none of those, because it is an experience of each other, and descriptions like those only capture a fragment of it.

By now you must be throwing up with the saccharine image I’ve presented. Well, yes and no. The “no” is that much of our days are spent out in the world, completely separate and independent of each other. The ability and freedom to be completely alone by ourselves allows us to have that saccharine “yes” of union when we are together.

I’m not saying that we demand each other’s attention at any time; it’s a much more organic flow, balanced by full acceptance, so there is no boundary between the states and we can flow seamlessly between them.

I wrote that last night and showed it to Maude over breakfast, who (of course) understood and offered a few minor edits, and also asked what you, our readers, would get from it.

The point of this is that I have come to realize that there is something in common between us that we both tap into that I find in our writing, living and sex. The word that works best for me is union. It’s a radical idea that ties into questions about identity and consciousness that I have been writing about elsewhere, and I won’t expand on here except to say that I can simultaneously be myself and part of the union.

So what I want you, dear reader, to take away from this is to look for, stay aware of, and feel connected to the union aspect of your relationship. It’s there, or you wouldn’t have a relationship at all.

Our mutuality is our strength. Out of this we can resolve any conflict #relationships #quote #love Click To TweetMaude: Last night Phil wrote down an idea for our weekly blog. This morning while out to breakfast, as is often the case, we worked on the blog and shared our thoughts to the topic. We jammed on what we wanted to say and what import it might have to you, our readers. We thought it would illustrate our point and be fun to each write separately as we usually do, but instead of merging our writing into one blog, to show you the separate writing from each of us.

So what point is that?” you ask.

Well, in our mutual writing we live out a most important aspect of our overall union. We tend to write and describe things differently. We use different words and different styles to express our thoughts and feelings, yet we have no trouble coming together and joining our pieces into one cohesive blog.

The reason this causes no difficulty is our connectedness, our merged self if you will. We have experienced over and over that we have the same actual experience. The quality is the same. The meanings and values are the same. It is often difficult to put into words because this knowing comes from direct experience and is not a product of the mind. Yet it is a true unshakable knowing, something that is an integral part of our reality.

This bond of understanding allows us to live with total acceptance of one another. We honor and respect the separate individuality of the other without that impinging upon our union, our togetherness in any way. We often spend a great deal of our days apart, each doing our separate activities, and yet we do not feel separate or divided.

Well, that’s great for you,” you may be saying. “But how does that help me in my relationship?

Being able to always know that we are connected and so completely united is the place from which we can solve all issues and make all decisions. Our mutuality is our strength. We are so completely together, yet our total separate individuality is not assailed or attacked. The support that comes from this paradoxical way of being in the world is primary to our successful relationship.

This mutuality is the cornerstone of all the successful relationships we have encountered, no matter how differently people express it. It is out of this center of understanding that you can resolve any conflict, argument or misunderstanding. When you are feeling distance and the upset or distress that comes from feeling distance, remember your connection. Remember you are united. Return to that place of union, to the place where you are both on the same side, or better yet, where there is only one side. Then address what is making you feel that distance. Discuss this from your place of togetherness. Practice active listening and speak from the “I”. Remind yourselves of your connection by being in actual physical contact.

Practicing communication in union will enrich you every time you remember to do it. Feelings of distance from your partner can fade easily away, as they are usually illusory. The extraordinary experience of peace that comes from this way of acting together will make everything you do as an individual better and stronger. Thank you for joining us and helping spread peace, one relationship at a time!

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4 comments on “The Paradox of Union and Separateness in a Relationship
  1. Steve Figler says:

    I really like your divided process (divide & merge to conquer?) for coming to your eventual agreement on a post. Also, I read and enjoy Brainpickings, as well. Good to know it’s one of your sources.

    • Maude says:

      Thanks Steve! We have a variety of ways and tend to follow what comes up. We do a bunch of jamming and then usually go and write individually and then merge. But not always. depends what happens when we start the creative process. 🙂

  2. Mutuality is a good word for it.

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