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How You Can Choose to Have a Better Relationship Now

Do you want to have relationships full of joy and peace, lacking in fights and arguments? If you do, really do, then it is possible for you to have that experience. Every relationship you have can be permeated by love and peace. If you want this it takes a choice; a choice to let go of seeing things in terms of separate sides, of winning and losing, of holding on to being right.

True, making this choice it is not magic, and there is a process to getting there. The more you practice this step by step in your relationships, the more natural and the less effort will be required.

How do we know this? The constancy of our relationship. The pervasiveness of knowing we’re on the same side. It’s like walking through life and having a path constantly appear before us; in other words, no obstacles ever arise. It feels completely automatic; a form of grace that has been given to us, yet at the same time, we know that it is something we’re doing. We don’t even notice doing it, except maybe occasionally when we have the choice between being kind and being snippy.

It may not be like that for you, and that’s understandable. Everybody has dug their ruts in life, including us; that must be why that path keeps opening before all of us. But where we have learned to tread that path, for those of you still falling into those ruts, there will be an initial effort needed to climb out.

Firstly, you have to want to. Maybe that’s why you’re reading this now. Then you need to find a route out. Perhaps the easiest way to describe that route is to say it is respect for the other person, whether that is your partner, friend or family member.

But to make that effort, you have to know what to change. To know what to change, you have to know what you are doing. To know what you are doing, you have to pay attention. To pay attention requires introspection. To be introspective requires intention.

When you look at how you are living your present life, why is it an effort to change once you have the awareness and the intention? It’s because there is a comfort in the familiar, even when that place is uncomfortable. There is a feeling of safety. Your rut might be descending into acrimony or feeling unheard or a sense of loss – look at yours and when you see it, write it down to make it clear. It’s familiar and comfortable (even if it causes behavior you don’t want) because that is how you have learned to be – maybe from your family. You may need to go back and explore that, but the way out is in the present, and it will be – obviously! – unfamiliar.

That is where the effort and the self-awareness come in. Just make the smallest change. It might be holding your tongue, or taking the trash out, or a touch, or a compliment, or not being late. Only you, with your self-awareness, can know what it is. And of course, you won’t always catch yourself. But two things will happen. You will get better at it, and your change will also affect the other person. Just as you can spiral down into those familiar uncomfortable places, you can spiral upward into a new, strange, loving connection. Choice, belief, and intention will make it happen.

Photo credit: Antique Bavarian postcard
Photo note: From the collection of Maude Mayes

Successful Relationship Reading Corner

In our post this week, we wrote about how you can choose to have a better relationship. These writers offer some insights into this important subject.

Be the Change You Wish to See in Your Relationship "If you want your partner to change, start by accepting them for who they are. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman says, “People can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted the way they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.”"

Transform Your Relationship by Assuming the Best Intentions "I used to think he was out to get me. The man of my dreams was continually plotting to undermine my happiness in countless ways, all for some mysterious reason I couldn’t comprehend."

How to Stop Fighting and Feel Close Again "Every one of us brings a lot to the table that contributes to the degree of conflict we experience with a partner, including our early attachment patterns, psychological defenses, and critical inner voices about ourselves and others. That is why the key to getting along with our partner is rarely as simple as it sounds. However, the good news is we have a lot of power when it comes to making things better."

Spreading peace one relationship at a time
Phil and Maude
 
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