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Why It’s Important to Find the Essence at the Heart of Your Relationships

Couple laughingWe are continuing to work through some complex decisions about wills, trusts and finances, and are some way from reaching a conclusion. We’ve been using our process for this, so it hasn’t generated any conflict between us, even though at the moment, we each want different outcomes.

Yet we are completely confident that we will agree in the end. This is a very peculiar kind of faith to have, and we have been talking about how best to explain it.

It is something we have known for a long time, and its nature has remained unchanged, even as our understanding of it has deepened. It is exemplified by several instances. Early on in our relationship, we hiked to a gazebo atop a small hill in Toro Canyon Park and had an experience of unity that was psychedelic in nature, and we both knew it.

When we first met at a singles event, we both had the sensation of being together in a bubble of peace and quietness, separated from all the people around us. Neither of us were conscious of the event at the time; it was probably months later before we came to remember and describe what had happened. This is because first there is knowing, and only later, do you know that you know.

It is this place that gives us the complete assurance that we will be able to find the resolution about wills, trusts and finances.

How can you find this essence in a relationship that makes it possible to know you are connected, that you will find a place of mutuality when solving differences or resolving challenging seemingly opposing desires? Yes, we have outlined a process (see list of blogs below) for creating and implementing joint solutions and finding your core values that match. We have described the need to cultivate the sense of “we” and to always remember that you are truly on “the same side” and want the best together and for each other.

All these are critical parts of having peaceful harmonious relationships, yet there is more. It is the nucleus at the heart of the relationship. It is non-verbal by nature and contains truth at a recognizable level that precedes thought. It is felt and can be transmitted through touch. It forms the ground that the relationship stands on.

We think that most couples have had this sense of connection at some time, but for many, it became buried by the wants and needs of daily living. Maybe you’ve had those moments but never recognized them as such, or dismissed them as less real than the mortgage bill. That’s not true; it is there, and by connecting with it, you can resolve issues and live a peaceful, harmonious relationship.

Yet all too often, people get stuck on some emotional trigger that gets pushed, and they lose touch with this place of unity. They hold fast to their sense of hurt or frustration. The mind moves in, taking over that space where knowing and surety resided with a torrent of words and thoughts, and before the shift is even noticed, a sense of distance and separation takes hold.

When this happens in your relationships, bring it forth into the light. Look at it. Feel it. And then move on and return to the truth of your connection. Triggers are to be dealt with, but not retained.

We’ve written before about how this needs trust and intention. Remain in the place of knowing your connection, return to an awareness of the essence and truth at the heart of your relationship. Lean into that place. It is greatly facilitated by touch, by sitting in contact with each other. Rub shoulders with each other, hold hands, touch knees. There is some research to back up these experiences. Communication is thought to be approximately 70% nonverbal (Birdwistell), and touch alone can communicate actions with 70% accuracy (Hertenstein).

There is a continuous direct contact with this place of unity that is always there for us. It appeared quite early in our relationship. At first, we felt it without knowing it was there, and then we slowly came to see it, speak of it, and cultivate it. This place exists in all deep relationships. It is the place from which all is possible when you honor it together as your shared reality.

For more information about Our Process, find some links below:

How to Work Through Disagreements to Reach a Mutual Solution
How to Reach Mutual Solutions in Your Relationship
How to Find Mutual Solutions With Your Partner

Photo credit: One of us
Photo note: Our friends in Cornwall

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The I Declare World Peace project, founded in 2010, is a power-of-intention worldwide art experiment that seeks to spread the phrase “I Declare World Peace”. The purpose of the project is to raise global peace consciousness.

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Phil and Maude
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