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Struggle to Get To The Place of No Struggle

Chocolate BuddhaOne of our readers was sharing our blog with a friend and wrote, “Love their blogs, though they make it seem easier than it is.” This is something we have heard before, and we would like to address it.

What we offer is a transformation, a reframing of how you see your partner and your expectations of them, so that the two of you can be together peacefully without conflict. Having the kind of relationship that we describe, one devoid of conflict, distance and estrangement, requires an often radical change in viewpoint, understanding and behavior.

Like all larger changes, this can be quite daunting. It may take a while to grasp this different way of relating because it wasn’t that way in your past relationships or your family. You’re used to seeing conflict in your friends’ relationships and in TV and movie portrayals.

The status quo is a strong pull, yet our message is that it doesn’t have to be like that. A peaceful way of relating is real and you can move toward it as a result of this knowledge. The vision of what it can be is very powerful and can give you a strong incentive to change.

It may take a while to alter old habits. What will help make this happen is to know and believe that an alternative exists and that you want to live that way.

When you are aware of how a conflict-free peaceful way of relating looks and can feel, then you can also recognize the behaviors that are stopping you from relating in this manner. Just the fact of applying awareness to the situation changes it.

Instead of replaying scenes and having the same behaviors and responses, you will notice your own actions. “Wow, there I am reacting with anger again!” “I’m not in the present accepting my partner for who they are, I’m in my head projecting what is and acting out of fear of what was!”

It takes two to have an argument. If your partner gets angry, scared or whatever, you don’t have to join in. Change occurs by breaking old patterns (though it’ll feel strange, different, uncomfortable at first), and when you make it different for you, you also make it different for your partner. Hopefully they will be able to change, too. Ultimately, you and your partner have to end up in the same place, though you might not travel at the same pace en route.

If you and your partner are committed to having a loving peaceful relationship and working together towards it, you will surely walk through those difficulties and emerge in a place that better fits your mutual desires.

While you are working and moving toward that goal, it may seem hard and there may be struggle. It may take a while to get to the kind of relationship we describe.

The amazing thing is that once you take that step of transformation, it will become as easy as we describe! Awareness of what is possible and intention to be that way are the tools to take you there.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes

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Successful Relationship Reading Corner

BookshelfIn this week's blog, we discussed the struggle to get to the place of no struggle  in your relationship. Here are a variety of articles discussing the road to transformation.

How One Simple Mindset Shift Can Totally Transform Your Relationships "Whatever the impetus for your resolutions, most of us fail in our attempts to create sustainable change. Change is hard. It’s uncomfortable and it takes incredible persistence, perseverance, and patience — qualities many of us struggle to cultivate. As a relationship therapist, I'm always thinking about the changes I want to make in my relationships and trying to encourage and support changes my clients want to make in their relationships."

Real Transformation Is An Evolution "Real transformation sneaks up on you. Maybe you have experienced that moment – that face-palm, slap to the forehead instant – when you realize you are in the middle of unplanned, unexpected, unpredicted life change. It can feel like all the air just got sucked out of the room when you figure it out because real transformation changes everything. What was can no longer be, not because you don’t want it but because it just won’t work in your life anymore. Who you were then is not who you are now… and the ‘now’ you cannot be put back into the smaller container of who you were ‘then’. We like to think that we can see what’s coming and adapt proactively."

Change Doesn't Happen Overnight: It Happens In These Five Stages "Although circumstances often change in the blink of an eye, people tend to change at a slower pace. Even the most motivated people who welcome change often encounter stumbling blocks that make transformation more complicated than they'd originally anticipated. Whether you’re hoping to lose weight, or you're trying to convince your employees to embrace a new procedure, don’t expect immediate results. Instead, recognize that real change happens slow and steady.


Spreading peace one relationship at a time
Phil and Maude
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