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Sex and Union in a Relationship

Carving of couple embracingLast week we wrote about mutuality, a co-creative element of our relationship. There are two other factors that form the foundation of our way of being together. One of these is the union that arises from sexual connection.

For nearly four months, we have had medical problems which have precluded sexual intercourse. It hasn’t stopped us from being sexual, though. That happens when one of us, in some way, shows a level of sexual interest. This is arousing to the other, and their arousal in turn stimulates the first person, and this feedback loop builds up and up.

Because we are each exquisitely aware of the state of the other, it becomes a shared experience of the contact between us. Even if our experiences are somewhat different, we are both experiencing the same thing; it is a sense of ecstasy, of stepping outside the cage of the self. It is not that we have changed so much as that we exist both as ourselves and the shared self simultaneously.

We have confirmed that this is a shared experience by speaking about it afterwards. When one of us speaks of it, the other agrees: “Uh huh,” “Right,” “Yeah.” This happens again and again, every time. It is so consistent that it cannot be dismissed as coincidence or fuzziness of language. It is not a sexual state; it is better described as a higher level that is reached by using sex as a stepladder. The simplest explanation and the best description is that it is an experience of union.

We understand that this may not be a path for everyone. You may be single, in a non-sexual relationship, or sex may not be an important aspect for you. In any case, the experience of connecting, of stepping outside yourself, is still available. Haven’t you had one of those long conversations with a friend where you end up so understanding, so in accord, that it seems like some magic event occurred? Or you go together on a hike or to a concert or a meal where the experience is so manifestly shared that 20 years later, you still know you had that connection? What are these events if not the touching, the union of souls?

Just as our mutuality provides a connective tissue that permeates all of our everyday interactions, this deep union is a known factor, never questioned, always present. It has grown and been nourished through our years together, yet in many ways it is unchanging.

It is important to develop and support this aspect of your relationship. Spend time nurturing your union so that you have a solid bedrock to interact with your everyday challenges.

A third aspect of our togetherness comes from matching core values, and we will write about that next week.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes

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We Are Suspending Our Workshop

We were looking forward to presenting another workshop on April 4th, but we're postponing this event until the Coronavirus situation is clearer. We don't feel it is responsible to promote people coming together in a public forum at this time.

Meanwhile, we are looking into developing some online offerings instead. Stay tuned!

Successful Relationship Reading Corner

BookshelfIn this week's blog, we wrote about sex and union in a relationship, one of three aspects of mutuality. Here are articles about both the scientific and union aspects.

4 Scientific Ways Good Sex Brings You Closer to Your Partner "Does engaging in intercourse make you feel closer to your partner? You're not alone. There are scientific reasons why sex (especially good sex) makes you feel closer to your lover."

Spiritual Sex: Ecstatic Love Beyond The Physical "The fact is that sexuality and spirituality were never split until well into the first millennium of the Common Era when denial of the body became the popular theology of the day. It may seem outrageous to view sexuality in such lofty terms. Yet, it no longer makes sense to deny the spiritual dimension of our sexuality, as if we had "lower," physical urges and "higher," spiritual functions, disconnected from the body."

10 Benefits of Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship "Physical intimacy involves a deep emotional connection that is strengthened when you are in close sensual proximity to your spouse. Touching, both romantically and otherwise, can help strengthen this bond. How important is physical intimacy in a relationship? Having this deep bond can have a positive effect on nearly every other aspect of your relationship."


Spreading peace one relationship at a time
Phil and Maude
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