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What Important Factors Make a Conflict-free Relationship?

Shadows of two peopleFor the last three weeks, we’ve been writing about mutuality, union and core values, three foundational aspects of conflict-free peaceful relationships.

Knowing Yourself

While these are the critical underpinnings of the type of relationships we describe, there are characteristics that make these possible as well. We mentioned one in last week’s blog, which is the necessity of getting to know yourself in order to implement these practices.

When you apply our process to finding mutuality, you need to be able to ascertain and communicate to your partner what your real needs and wants are. You need to be able to go within and truly see what is important to you.

In allowing true union in your relationship, where the third self – the joined self, is not a threat to your separate individuality, you have to have worked on yourself and feel strong within who you are.

To ascertain whether or not you have matching core principles with someone, you need to know what yours are.

Be On The Same Side

For mutuality and union to occur at all, you need to be on the same side. You can’t offer hostility and defensiveness any residence. If you see them around, give them 30 seconds notice and evict them. You need to have a positive viewpoint about what is happening between you.

In order to do this, you must both be committed to the best for each other. Your exchanges must be about what works for both of you and what is best for both of you. All desires to be right and to have it be “your way or the highway” must be set aside in favor of your commitment to each other.


To be on the same side requires you to trust your partner, but that shouldn’t be hard because trust is also the basis of how society operates. We can all work and live together because we trust that other people behave in a generally helpful way. Sure, there are rules and laws to curb anti-social behavior, but our behavior is motivated far less by fear of punishment than it is by the joy of cooperating with others.

So to look for and expect trust in your relationship is both natural and easy, and trust is what leads to mutuality and union. (The converse is also true; just think how much damage a breach of trust can do in a relationship, whether it’s concerning money, truth or fidelity.)

Dealing With Differences

But how can you trust your partner when they sometimes act so differently from you? It is a question of whether your core values match. It is important to learn what your partner’s values are as early as possible and to verify, not just by words but also by actions, what each of yours is.

To let your partner be their idiosyncratic self instead of getting upset by them, you need to distinguish between what is important and what to let go of. This isn’t the same as conceding, yielding, compromising; it’s about non-attachment. Channel your inner Buddha. This allows true union in your relationship.

Make The Leap

Choose your viewpoint. As computer programmers say, using possibly the ugliest acronym on the planet, WYSIWYG: What You See Is What You Get. Your reality consists of what you look at, so when you focus on the positive aspects of your partner, what might irk you diminishes in size, and when you view your relationship in positive terms, that is how you will see it. This is not suppression, this is you taking charge of your life.

This does require a change in behavior, and changes can be challenging, but to reap the rewards, this leap must be made. You will derive strength from your shared commitment and the trust that this engenders. The more you apply these principles, the more reassurance you will gain from their success.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes

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To all our dear family and friends

We hope that all of you are staying safe in these challenging times. Remember this is a wonderful opportunity to love one another and support one another. We are all in this together. Love and peace from our hearts to yours!

Successful Relationship Reading Corner

BookshelfIn this week's blog, we discussed what factors are important in a conflict-free relationship. Here are two articles and a video discussing different aspects of this issue.

Trust In Relationship: Why Is It Important And How To Build It? "Trust is that foundation upon which your relationship can survive the hardest of times. In fact, without trust, you cannot sustain your relationship for a long time. Lack of trust is one of the reasons for relationships to fall apart. Here is why trust is the driving factor in relationships:"

To Understand Your Relationships, Try Understanding Yourself "To sum up, personality is not a quality that exists in isolation within any given individual. We project our own personality problems onto others, but also interpret the traits of other people in terms of our own preferences for the qualities of others. The next time you find yourself annoyed by your partner's behavior, this study suggests you should truly ask 'whether it’s you or me.'"

Mutuality matters with Kare Anderson (Youtube video) "We all want to use our talents to create something meaningful with our lives. But how to get started? (And ... what if you're shy?) Writer Kare Anderson shares her own story of chronic shyness, and how she opened up her world by helping other people use their own talents and passions. On this episode Kare shares her vision for a purposeful humanity and how to weave a culture based on mutuality into our current and dominant paradigm."


Spreading peace one relationship at a time
Phil and Maude
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