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Compromise is Not the Way to Success in Relationships

Everybody copies each other. People take their cues for how to behave from all around, like a flock of birds that wheels in formation. It’s hard to accept this; everyone has a sense of uniqueness and independence, yet people constantly watch and copy each other. Acting differently would be seen as unpredictable, hence potentially unsafe, and invite rejection by the tribe. A good example is fashion, which only exists because of the way people copy each other. Bowler hats, anyone? Who’s for a mullet cut? Such conformity is, of course, a matter of degree. There are leaders, artists and rebels who imagine things differently and create social change.

Just as people take their cues of what to wear from other people, so do they take on what is acceptable couples behavior from relationship counselors.

In last week’s blog we addressed the myth that all relationships take hard work. Today we would like to discuss another concept pushed by relationship experts far and wide, and that is the idea that compromise is the way to find solutions in a relationship.

For us, this is a misleading and often destructive idea. The underlying principle of compromise is that you give something up in order to get something else. It is based on the belief that because each person in a relationship is different, that the partners will have to deny their wishes in order to make their partner happy and keep peace in the relationship.

Read all about it on our blog by clicking here..

(Or listen to Phil telling all about it.)

Successful Relationship Reading Corner


In this week's blog, we say that compromise is not the way to success in relationships. Here are some articles about that, and our May 31, 2017 Reading Corner links on reaching mutual solutions also cover the topic of not compromising.

Should I Give Up Me to Not Lose You? "How far can you afford to bend your values to preserve your relationship? How far can you go in giving yourself up to avoid losing your partner? How much of yourself can you afford to sacrifice to not lose someone you love? How do we find the balance between maintaining our integrity and bending our values? Most relationships require us to bend to a certain extent, but how much can we bend without a loss of self?"

Are You Compromised In Your Relationships? "I look back at some of my past relationships and I compromised and was so compromised that I didn’t recognise myself. My boundaries would get battered, I’d forget about things that I valued, and I would morph to reduce the conflicts that were arising in my relationship, both between myself and the guy, and also within me. This was all in the hope that the payoff would be a happy relationship, however instead, I became so distanced from myself, it was like the real me was trapped inside begging to be let out."

Good Compromise vs. Bad Compromise "About a decade ago, I dated a guy who ... didn't want me to attend my favorite morning yoga classes. He explained he did not want anything—other than himself—to bring me morning pleasure. So I stopped going (to make him happy and relaxed) and began drinking red wine (which made me happy and relaxed instead)"

Spreading peace one relationship at a time
Phil and Maude
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