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The Paradox of Union and Separateness in a Relationship

: We usually talk about topics until one appears and feels fruitful, explore it some, then go off and write separately. When we come together again, we may amalgamate our different voices, interleave our different aspects, or take one as the framework and polish it, but whatever way we end up writing, one thing is certain: that we each agree with what the other has written, even though it may be in a different voice.

There is an explanation for this: that we are both writing about the same thing – and this is where it gets difficult, because it is a knowing, an experience, that is the source, and words are poor descriptors....

Maude: In our mutual writing we live out a most important aspect of our overall union. We tend to write and describe things differently. We use different words and different styles to express our thoughts and feelings, yet we have no trouble coming together and joining our pieces into one cohesive blog.

The reason this causes no difficulty is our connectedness, our merged self if you will. We have experienced over and over that we have the same actual experience. The quality is the same. The meanings and values are the same. It is often difficult to put into words because this knowing comes from direct experience and is not a product of the mind. Yet it is a true unshakable knowing, something that is an integral part of our reality.

Click here to read both our voices.

Click here to hear Phil read this blog.

Successful Relationship Reading Corner

BookshelfIn this week's blog, we wrote about the paradox of union and separateness in a relationship. Here are some excellent articles on this subject.

The Central Paradox of Love: Esther Perel on Reconciling the Closeness Needed for Intimacy with the Psychological Distance That Fuels Desire "How to live with those paradoxes, rather than succumbing to the self-defeating urge to treat them as problems to be solved, is what Belgian psychotherapist and writer Esther Perel explores in Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (public library). Drawing on decades of her own work with couples and a vast body of psychological literature, Perel offers an illuminating and consolatory perspective on intimate relationships and our conflicting needs for security and freedom, warmth and wildness."

How to Not Lose the "Me" When Becoming a "We" "The question is: how to be in a relationship and not lose yourself; how to be part of a We without losing Me. What makes being in a relationship tricky is that it provides the opportunity for two completely different experiences. On the one hand, it is an opportunity for two individuals to be supported by each other's appreciation and love for the person their partner is. Both partners are enhanced by such an association, and flourish and grow as people."

Relationship Success: Balancing Togetherness and Individuality "Maintaining individuality is critical to establishing a long-lasting, healthy partnership. Therefore, equal efforts between attending to oneself and making the relationship work are necessary. Personal boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves as individuals in relationships. They protect our sense of personal identity and help guard against being overwhelmed by the demands of others."

Spreading peace one relationship at a time
Phil and Maude
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