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Balancing Togetherness and Individuality in a Relationship

One of the ways to describe our relationship is that we are in balance. That is, of course, a metaphor, as is nearly all of language. It works so well here because of its multiple meanings.

The first is of a seesaw, which is a cooperative venture, not a competitive game. We are not fighting over limited resources. Love, praise, support and caring do not have data caps. There is no benefit to being up while the other is down; being in the air is no better than feeling grounded, it’s just different.

Another reason we stay in balance is...in our blog!

Click here to read it, or

Click here to listen to it.

Friday Feature: Dorothie and Martin Hellman

Our Friday Features are occasional posts where we feature people who understand and support the idea of peaceful relationships. This Friday, we featured Dorothie and Martin Hellman and their book "A New Map."

This book has two messages. The first is that peaceful relationships are possible. In their 50 years of marriage, Martin and Dorothie Hellman struggled to balance the rational and emotional for more than 3 decades. They succeeded, and haven’t had an argument in well over 10 years. The book details their progress towards this state.

The second message of the book is that international relations can be improved in the same way, and that work on one benefits the other. They deconstruct seven international conflicts and name the points where a different approach would have avoided escalation. These sections have been fact-checked by some very prestigious referees. They see the path to implementing this as an increase in compassion and holistic thinking, and that people need to expand their allegiances to larger and larger groups until it encompasses the planet itself. There is no doubt in our minds that this is the direction in which the world can and must move.

Successful Relationship Reading Corner

BookshelfIn this week's blog, we wrote about balancing togetherness and individuality in a relationship. These articles echo our position, and have some interesting stories.

The Importance of Thinking Separately in Your Relationships "“We have to be on the same page.” “You’ll never 100 percent agree with me.” “We’ll never see eye to eye.” How many times have you heard things like that from the people you love? Many of us believe that in order to get along with the people we care about, we need to have similar ideas, opinions, religions, and political affiliations."

Individuality And Togetherness "... Before all of this started, I had thought that my husband and I had one of the healthiest, happiest relationships that I knew of.  And maybe we do.  But I was able to see some emotional fusion that I had not before.  He was breaking out of our normal relationship pattern by following his own directive, as Schnarch might say.  This change scared me.  What if I started doing everything I wanted without consider his feelings and needs?  Surely we would split up.  This was fear talking."

Balancing Togetherness and Individuality "Mutuality is one of the most important aspects of marriage success. But how do you become part of a couple while maintaining a strong sense of yourself? How do you manage your need for time together and time apart? And what do you do if you and your partner have different ideas of how much time to spend together? How much time together is enough? Is there such a thing as too much togetherness? Is there a way to maintain closeness even when your work life is especially demanding of your time and attention, perhaps including prolonged separations?"

Spreading peace one relationship at a time
Phil and Maude
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