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How to Find Mutuality in Your Relationship


We are conscious of the “we” at all times when planning and acting on things. It is critical to the success of a peaceful loving relationship to understand how to find mutuality, and how to create from that place of connection.

Our relationship is founded and based on this mutuality. It’s not that we are looking to become similar. We support and celebrate each of our individualities, and share these as fully as possible with each other. The more we know each other and are attuned to one another, the easier it is to move into the shared identity of the we.

It makes all the difference to peace of mind and to working together without discord or tension, to have this underpinning of connectedness, of knowing you are not at odds, but rather wanting to find mutuality together.

Last week we wrote about staying aware of the connection and watching for any signs of distance or estrangement. It is very helpful to affirm that you are both on the same side, and to maintain and nurture the sense of mutuality. When you do this as a part of your ongoing relationship, you will have the ability to create from a space that is co-owned by both of you, and you can work in peace and comfort as you use that skill to generate mutually pleasing results.

This is not something that is theoretical or out of reach for most people. It can be quite simple to do, especially when it becomes a regular part of how you are with each other. Make agreements and verbalize them to each other; refer to them aloud periodically. When you sit down to build a tea house together or plan your anniversary trip, know that you both want to hear all of each other’s thoughts and ideas; know that your own ideas and images will be enlarged, not attacked or diminished by your partner’s, and that out of all this, you will find a conclusion that delights both of you.

As with so many important understandings between people, communication is vital. To approach decisions, actions, and plans in this way, both of you have to speak your desire for united results. You need to want to hear each other and to find that place where each of you becomes something more than just yourselves, where you become that “we” that acts in mutuality of will and purpose. This is the place where creativity blossoms and where magic occurs.

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Successful Relationship Reading Corner

BookshelfIn this week's blog, we discussed how to find mutuality in your relationship. Here are some articles discussing mutuality from a variety of viewpoints.

When Love Is Kind: Mutuality In Relationships (Tina Tessina is one of our favorite relationship writers; see our Friday feature.) "Many people ask me, “How will I know if I'm in love?” Answer: Anyone who's in love usually knows it; the real question should be are we mutually in love, or am I wasting my time? If you want to be secure in your primary relationship, knowing how to create mutuality and work together greatly increases the chance that you'll make it as a couple. When I’m counseling couples on the verge of divorce, it’s amazing how establishing mutuality allows the love to come back."

Moving Toward A Mutual Vulnerability In Your Relationship! "When thinking about couples in conflict, one can imagine one or both partners feeling hurt and vulnerable. This can at times result in one or both partners wanting to close up and protect themselves from further hurt...the furthest thing from surrendering power. Each partner may have thoughts such as, "I am not letting my guard down" or may be suspicious of what their partner will do next. Sometimes this position of defensiveness may not even be conscious."

4 Essential Ways to Build Mutuality in Marriage "Have you been flipping through the pages of your wedding photo book, feeling nostalgic about your classic, romantic wedding poses and the sweet moments you had during your big day several years ago? Are you starting to wish things were as rosy as the early years of your marriage? If your marriage is on the rocks, observe your partnership first before you consult a counselor—you may just need to work on mutuality."


Spreading peace one relationship at a time
Phil and Maude
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