How to Balance Structure and Flow in Your Relationship

Both life and relationships need a balance between planning and going with the flow. This is an important part of our lives and the lives of our relationships. Yet how do we do both at the same time?

People differ in the degree to which they are open to new experiences. (It’s one of the Big Five personality traits.) You might see it as an unalloyed good, but stop and think: change without limit is disintegration. Fluidity is great, but a bucket of water only retains its shape because of the bucket. Too much openness can be dangerous. Climbing Everest or trying heroin is risky. Structure, the opposite of openness, is also needed for stability.

It’s easy to picture how this might be a problem in a relationship. One person is free and easy, and wants to accept the last-minute offer of a weekend at a cabin; the other had a household project planned, and the car needs an oil change, and the gas and meals would bust the budget.

This doesn’t need to be a problem. Instead of seeing this as a clash of personality differences, think of it as a situation where each can learn from the other. The systematic person can accept the invitation to loosen up, be free and take more pleasure in life; the chronically disorganized can learn where the ice-chest lives and how to fit the trip into the budget.

To be open to each other requires communication and empathy. When you can state your needs and hear where the other person is coming from, the odds are good that there’s a solution that works for both of you.

In our relationship, openness and flexibility are made possible by an underlying framework of commitment, communication and presence. By offering these to each other, we create the security that allows so many possibilities to exist.

We think it is important to celebrate every day and to be aware of the love your relationship brings into your life. We believe in “merry unbirthdays” just like the Mad Hatter, and we do celebrate each other in many small ways all the time.

It is also lovely to take some of the milestones like anniversaries to reflect and set intentions. Today is the 14th anniversary of our meeting and we’re headed to an Airbnb near Ojai for a couple of nights. In keeping with the sense of stepping out of the flow of everyday life, we usually look back on the year and forward at what might come.

We have several new elements that have entered our lives. An important one that has come with Maude’s leaving her very full-time job is that we have more opportunity to structure our time together.

As part of this shift, we have more time for activities involved with sharing our vision of spreading peace one relationship at a time. We’re excited about our coming launch of the audio of How Two: Have a Successful Relationship, we’re planning to produce more videos, and are looking at scheduling presentations locally and in new venues.

With this opportunity of going off for several days alone together, away from our everyday actions, we will be asking ourselves “What is going to be new for us about this year of our travels together?” and “What are we going to do with it?” We’re looking forward to cuddling up with these questions and exploring what changes are here or coming, and what we want to make of them.

All of these things take a certain level of being able to respond to change with flexibility while still holding to your goals. This is another one of those paradoxes that present opportunities for acting together to find mutual solutions.

When you are faced with situations where you need to bring these two paradoxical elements into balance, use Our Process for reaching mutual solutions, and find your unique creative answers to being flexible and going with the flow, while at the same time embedding your intentions and desires into the plan of action.

When you can make this process a celebration of your mutuality, and create plans which remain flexible and open, you will be filled with a sense of peace and well-being that is unsurpassed.

We'd love to answer your questions and hear your comments on our blog; click here. You can also hear Phil reading this here.

Successful Relationship Reading Corner

In this week's blog, we wrote about how to balance structure and flow in your relationship. Here are two articles that make a good case for being flexible in your life and relationships, and one about how to set joint goals.

Why We Should All Give Up On Goals Already "To be successful or fulfilled, we all know you need to have specific goals. To achieve them, you should visualise, plan your steps there and attach deadlines and incentives. Work hard, even if you hate the work. And never stray from the path. But that outlook, say a growing number of academic researchers, career coaches and thought leaders, isn’t only flawed; it may also, ironically, be keeping us from success."

Optimize your life for productivity and flexibility "I’m talking about flexibility of course, and in this article I will focus on how to develop and keep flexibility in personal life as the ultimate competitive advantage. If you aren’t flexible by nature, this article is a must read. Think about what happened to the dinosaurs only because they weren’t flexible enough."

The guide to relationship goal setting "When it comes to New Year goals and your relationship there are two considerations. Firstly, setting personal goals often involves considering your romantic partner and whether your goal is going to require any involvement or support from them. Secondly, it can be worthwhile to use the New Year period to set some shared goals as well. Here are some tips for discussing and setting goals as a couple."

Spreading peace one relationship at a time
Phil and Maude
 
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