Little Changes Can Have Big Results in Your Relationship

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The other day, Maude created a big shift in our life together. She didn’t plan it that way at all.

As we’ve shared here before, we spend time each evening in what we call our sacred space. During this time we are with each other for the sole purpose of being together. It really doesn’t matter what our activities are during that time. It is about taking time out of whatever else is on our mutual or individual plates, to be with each other, to share and laugh and love together. We hang out, talk, do the crossword, Phil reads aloud, we watch Netflix, or are sexual. The latter usually consumes all the time, as we take a bath, indulge in foreplay and treat the entire time as holy. When one or both of us has an evening event, we usually forgo the sexual aspect of our sacred space, because at some time we must have decided that we would be too tired for that kind of intimacy.

We’ve been busy recently, and Maude suggested that just because there was little time left of the evening didn’t have to mean that we couldn’t share sexually. A few days later when we talked about this, we found that for both of us, it was a liberating idea. Bingo. A reframing.

Just a little change in thought or deed can have big consequences. Both of us felt a refreshing sense of openness and newness. We felt a lovely breeze come wafting through our house! We were free to do as we pleased, and realized we had fallen into a pattern without even realizing it. Don’t misunderstand: there had been no problems and no dissatisfaction; we had been perfectly happy during this time, but the opening up of different possibilities created an exciting and vitalizing effect.

Another example is from years ago, when we lived in two separate houses. We spent about five nights a week sleeping together, making the decision jointly during the day. It was a very pleasant time – we each had our own space and our own time, and each other as well. One day we decided, almost on a whim, to sleep together every night.

The change in our relationship surprised both of us. It was a big step forward in intimacy, despite the fact that we hadn’t been holding anything back. The removal of that little step of making a sleeping decision changed our mental landscapes.

We’ve started playing consciously with little changes, and it’s been lots of fun. Throw things up in the air every now and then, and let them come down differently. This is one good way of staying present in your time together. All too often, patterns can be repeated for expediency or because they work well, and slowly, without realizing it, they become habits that can lead to less real time connection, even creating distance between partners.

We have had a specific work schedule for creating our weekly blog and newsletter for quite a while now. Recently, we had to alter it to accommodate other plans. We went away for a few days to celebrate our anniversary, we had a party to go to and we were involved in a community event during the time we usually work on these projects. We found a different way to accomplish our goals and again, this turned into a really freeing shift, reminding us that we had designed the work schedule and could change it at will.

The lesson from these stories is that even when you are cozy and comfortable, change can be good, and the results can be more than you imagined possible. Life is a balance between order and chaos. Without order, we disintegrate, but too much order makes us crystalline, inflexible, brittle, static. Change is what creates variety, expansion, creativity, novelty and growth. We invite you to try this and see what it brings to your relationship. Try altering your regular behavior and patterns by adding different or new ways to your time together. Being present with each other is such a wonderful thing! Don’t let that slip away for lack of paying attention. Small changes can have big results!

Tell your friends!