Why Being Friends is Such an Important Part of Your Relationships

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PHIL: For several reasons, we didn’t have sex for a couple of months, and when we did start moving in that direction, I was very confused because I had never been in a relationship that started with friendship; I had always started with the sexual attraction end of it.

So I think that the fact that we had a friendship since the beginning describes us very well, and yet it is so natural that it escaped my attention. When I look at what makes up a friendship, I can now see that those characteristics also apply to our entire relationship.

I don’t ever break up with close friends. I can be out of contact for a long time and pick up just where we left off. I can talk about my troubles, dreams, worries; there is nothing I cannot speak about once the news of the day has been covered and the connection deepens. We don’t ever argue. They are who they are, and I am used to that. I am comfortable with them. There is an ease of being with each other. I trust them. We may not have exactly the same worldview, but at some level, we share the same values.

These all apply between Maude and me. No topic is taboo. We haven’t ever fallen out. I trust her unconditionally. We can be ourselves in each other’s company.

I hold the opinion (pardon me for ranting about this again) that we have a nonverbal self onto which language was grafted about 100,000 years ago. Our consciousness is now focused almost entirely on the verbal realm, but the nonverbal side still controls many of our actions, from mobility to menu choices.

These two sides both need to be present in a relationship, so besides chemistry between two people, there is also a meeting of the minds. I think some couples match on one but not the other, setting themselves up for attraction and dissatisfaction, a dynamic with no comfortable resting place.

So in your relationships, look at the friendship, pay attention to the feelings, and make sure they are aligned.

MAUDE: At first, Phil and I became friends. We spent time getting to know each other and enjoying activities together before we became intimate. This probably worked because I was older when we connected and had already learned how important friendship is to every relationship.

This is as true with relatives or friends as it is for romantic relationships. It may sound strange to say you have to be a friend in a friendship, but I’m pointing it out because it is not always the case.

Those who relate in this way experience an ease and a comfort between them. Phil described it as the feeling you get when you just come together and hang out; where you are just there (physically or not) being with each other. There are no hard edges, no butting up against one another. Why would there be?

Instead, you encounter a kind of smooth presence without effort, and there isn’t any need to defend or curtail who you are. There is a softness, a natural kindness that emanates well-wishing. For such a state to exist between two people, your deep values have to harmonize. This calls forth an openness of sharing, where you are unafraid and feel free to reveal your deepest inner self.

When you are companions of this nature, a loyalty and constancy arise that express themselves in your actions toward one another. You will naturally listen with deep attention, easing that longing to just be with another, without the worry that you may be misunderstood. This way of being together has a simplicity and lightness to it that encourages laughter and joy.

When you have this as a basis of your relationship, you can return to the way of the friend whenever other concerns and life issues cause tension or conflict, remembering that at heart, you are friends.

Photo credit: Mayes Family Tripod
Photo note: Two friends on the sofa

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