Your Relationship Expectations Make You Miss What’s Happening

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PHIL: In any relationship, there are expectations. I expect a sense of fairness, a recognition that there are two people involved. Early on, Maude and I spent several days exploring what our wedding vows would be and coming to agreement. I expect those to be honored, not because they are written down, but because they describe our deepest values, and we live by them. All these expectations are so consistently met that I no longer think about them; they become invisible, the water I swim in.

But there is also a whole area of no expectations: what Maude does, what she wears, who she talks to, and how she talks to them; all the daily activities of life. Certainly, I expect she will attend her weekly meeting this Friday, but that is using the word in the sense of what I expect will be happening, rather than wanting or requiring it to happen. Both of these senses of the word speak of the future, of something that is anticipated to happen but might not come to pass, so it’s important not to get too attached to the expected outcome. If something doesn’t transpire, move on.

I’m not implying that thoughts of the future are in and of themselves negative. Certainly, you can have shared dreams – you might be planning a trip to Italy, for instance. It’s only when you are so involved with your assumptions of what will be that you don’t leave room for and experience what is actually happening.

MAUDE: Expectations. We all work with them in many ways. Do they help us to navigate relationships? The answer to that depends on how attached we are to them and on the nature of those expectations.

Phil and I have certain expectations of each other within our relationship which are based on our agreements to each other, and our basic shared core values: we expect fidelity, kindness, fairness, support, attention, openness, honesty, trust.

What we do not do is carry expectations to direct or control each other, or the exchanges that we have. Nor do we plan or await outcomes for us together that exist only as creations within our own minds, ones we expect to occur as we imagine them. If you carry those into your relationships and are attached to them, then you are not openly available to the other person, because you are in your mind with your thoughts of what could be, rather than actually experiencing what is.

There is no room left for what might occur, or what both people might experience if they left things open to become. This can occur on a simple basis or a more complex one. You can interact in a relationship with a time frame predetermined by you, or a content exchange that you have envisioned. You unconsciously restrict paying attention to the other person and what is happening with them in those times. You are only busy with what you need or want to put forth. And sadly, someone doing this is usually fully unaware of how distancing such behavior can be.

In looking at Phil and me in this context, I have realized something quite interesting. To be honest, I will have to examine it a bit more before commenting on it fully. I realize that although neither of us approaches each other with the kind of troublesome expectations I have described here, we both do that with ourselves. I would say we both have expectations of ourselves that we are too attached to, and that can bring discomfort and irritation. They are not productive of inner peace. I think it would be helpful for both of us to review this for ourselves, as we would if we did it toward each other.

When we approach each other with openness and awareness, something quite different is possible. Peace is a byproduct of this kind of interaction. We have the opportunity to experience mutual creativity of presence. There is, even in the most innocuous of exchanges, a gentleness, a sense of calm, and the joy of connection.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: Lovers have carved their expectations into the bench

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