Successful Relationships Reading Corner
This week, we wrote that you should stop looking for someone to complete you if you want real love. Here are a couple of posts that further discuss this topic.
Why Neediness is Bad for Your Relationship “To be able to know your core values and to ascertain whether or not your partner matches those requires spending time getting to know yourself and understanding your triggers and responses. In this aspect of self-learning, you are investigating yourself in terms of relationship and observing what is occurring within you when you are interacting intimately. This is an ongoing process that contains both shared and solitary aspects. Phil and I practice this form of total acceptance. We know that we share our deepest values, and at the same time, we are keenly aware that each of us is unique and that we both express these principles in different ways. One aspect that is very much the same however, is that each of us feels whole and complete within ourselves. Neither of us is looking for the other to fill a void or supply something we find missing inside. We are indeed enriched by each other. I marvel constantly at who Phil is and I find his unique perspective on how to live his values often inspirational, surprising and exciting.The kind of neediness that arises when a person does not feel whole in themselves is absent in our relationship and would prevent the type of active sharing we practice. This is not to say that we don’t both gain much from our shared life together, or that we would be just as happy without each other.”
Neediness is Not Good for You and Your Relationship “Some people are a pleasure to be with. You feel a warm glow after leaving them. In contrast, there are people who drain you; after spending time with them, you feel exhausted. They’re angry, defensive or self-absorbed. One way or another, they’re needy. We’ve probably all had both of these experiences. When someone is wrapped up in themselves and completely absorbed in their own needs, there is little room for actually relating as two individuals coming together to exchange and support each other. When people enter or maintain a relationship to fill a sense of lack about themselves, it creates an imbalance, and continues the sense of that very lack they seek to fill. That kind of uneven exchange isn’t sustainable and does not benefit either partner. To have a relationship that brings the kind of visceral experience of peace that we describe, it is necessary to have both partners fully present and able to recognize themselves as separate individuals. Each must be actively working on themselves, getting to know themselves, and learning to recognize self-generated concerns. Our true sense of self-worth comes from learning to accept ourselves through the work we do, and not viewing ourselves through someone else’s lens.