What’s That Special Connection in Peaceful Relationships About?

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PHIL: We write about our relationship because it is so good, and we know that other people could live this way, too. We describe as closely as possible exactly how we are and what we do, rather than drawing on psychological models like, for example, attachment styles. We don’t think of ourselves as giving advice so much as describing a peaceful relationship and trusting that it sounds attractive and that our readers will be able to look at their own lives and choose to live more peacefully.

The subject this week is more subtle or esoteric than usual, but, following our rule that we write about what we know, we thought we should talk about it anyway.

We’ve often written about “us” without explaining much more than to say that we have a sense of ourselves and a sense of us. Today I want to explain as best I can that we have a shared experience, a sense of a third party that is not me and not Maude, but is formed from both of us. Sounds fanciful or woo-woo, right? But here’s my evidence. Every time one of us has talked about our relationship – how it feels, how we experience it – the other person agrees. The words Maude and I use differ, but we recognize what the other person is describing every time.

Now this has been going on for 20 years, and has long passed the stage of coincidence. When we talk about a movie or a meal or a neighbor, our experiences sometimes differ, but when we talk about our relationship, that is never the case. I have to conclude that this is because we are talking from an “us” part of ourselves that has a real, albeit intangible, existence. The “us” speaks through Maude and me, so it should be no surprise that we both agree with what the other says.

I want to approach this through the sense of identity. The scientific rationalist view locates identity in the body, bounded by the skin, with consciousness somehow tied up in some way with brain cells. As a rational, logical positivist, I am strongly attracted to this view, but I have to reluctantly let go of it for a more interconnected one. I keep thinking of two drops of water that come together and form a combined drop, though this is a poor metaphor. Better is two forms that, when pressed together, share the shape of the boundary, albeit each form’s boundary being the mirror image of the other.

So, back to identity. We all have larger identities – career, gender, nationality, sports team, town resident, and there is a pull of recognition when we are with someone else with that same identity. These are parts of what we are, and if my identity can float out to encompass those, it can also be true with Maude.

Here’s a question for you. Is the world one or is it many? Both, I say. Language has the effect of dividing the world into pieces – this and not this, but I have come to see all boundaries as fuzzy: there is night and day, but also dusk; a state that is neither day nor night, and similarly, I can dimly grasp consciousness spreading out, even as my rational mind can find no explanation that fits.

So I have to shut that rational beast off and trust that experience of us, the one that Maude describes that I know so well.

MAUDE: Phil and I write about our direct experience of a peaceful relationship. What we share is not theoretical. We have been writing and sharing this experience weekly for over 14 years. We do so with the hope that some of our words will strike a chord with some of you, and you will be encouraged to find a path toward having peaceful relationships and thereby help spread peace in our world. Simple. Nothing complex, right?!

A deep and nonverbal aspect of our exchange is something I have come to call our shared reality. This best explains an unusual occurrence that is striking in its absolute nature. We both have a clear knowing that the other person, although using different words, is describing the exact same thing. It relates to how we experience our connection.

Within this connection of trust and honesty, of support and caring, lies a driving desire for openness to know and be known. There, in the place of this third entity we know as us, dwells a solid, peaceful place of complete assurance and presence which never falters or changes. It expands, it deepens, it bolsters each of us. It is recognizable, and as we both point to it in precisely the same place, it is a reality. One that we share.

I experience various degrees of this in several of my other deep relationships. As Phil and I live together in a committed marriage relationship, we have a very intimate form of this, but it exists quite clearly in a number of my other relationships as well. There is a phrase called Anam Cara that describes this quite well:

Anam Cara is an Irish Gaelic term that translates to “soul friend”. It describes a deep and spiritual connection with another person, where souls can recognize and support each other without judgment. This bond allows for authentic self-expression and can exist in both platonic and romantic relationships.

We wanted you to be aware of this kind of connection and to know that this is a state you can develop between you and others that creates a peaceful form of relating. Many of you will know this in some form and treasure it as we do. We would love to hear about your experiences in this aspect of peaceful relating. Do leave comments in the comments section.

Photo credit: Suzanne Dechert
Photo note: Suzanne and Doris

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