The Boombox Guy Taught Us a Secret To Peace In Relationships
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MAUDE: Phil and I were sharing our reactions to an event in the neighborhood that we have both experienced. We wound up discussing differences and how we handle and react to them. It seems both of us have developed ways to move past potential reactions of pushing them away, toward acceptance through a method of broadening our view.
Step into the scene with me. There is a man who rides through the neighborhood, sometimes down our block, on a skateboard, balancing a huge old time Boom Box on his shoulder. On this, he is blasting music; music with a strong bass. It is always startling at first. It is different. It shatters the picture. It changes things entirely, no matter how briefly. It leaves behind a trail of the sound and the man as he flies through the scenery on his way to someplace else.
The first time I encountered this happening, I felt resentful, disturbed, it was too different, not appropriate! I thought to myself, “Well, he is very self-absorbed. He doesn’t think of anyone except himself.” I rejected this different man and his different behavior.
That initial reaction, and it was a reaction, not a considered response, was one that is ingrained within us; it was a threat assessment. That is a natural and important survival instinct that serves us well when difference means danger.
I’m not interested in remaining in a possible threat reaction when I’m presented with something different. So, I moved to my next step: stop, take a pause, look at this more openly. This is just something different, another way to move through the world. Isn’t it great that we have such a diverse and creative population around here?
And now I’m really thinking about this guy, and what he might be thinking, and how he might be seeing what he is doing. Okay, I can even stretch it out much further and say that he thinks he is bringing some fun, or even joy, into our world by adding some music. Phil and I had a wonderful conversation after realizing we had each seen the same person and gone through similar reactions to him. For us, it exemplifies how we can come to break out of our instinctual reactions to something unfamiliar by taking a broader and more inclusive viewpoint.
We are looking for connection, and not for sameness. We want to respond to our kinship with others, not to our separation from them. Sometimes, it takes a bit of training and consciously choosing a path of acceptance, rather than just going with the fear produced if the threat assessment deems all that is other as bad. When spreading peace within relationships, we do well to look at methods for embracing otherness, rather than trying to fit them into a predetermined mold.
PHIL: There is a guy in town who rides around on an electric mono skateboard with a big wheel, carrying a big boombox playing loudly. When I initially saw him, my first thought was it was very antisocial, and then how ostentatious it was. I experienced it as a disturbance of the peace. But then I caught my annoyance and looked at why it was affecting me, and saw that it was just a difference that didn’t really impact me at all. In fact, he was adding variety to the neighborhood.
What is socially acceptable depends on the local culture. Consider a quiet suburb of 19th-century houses in New England, a street in Rome full of garrulous Italians, downtown New Orleans. In some places, a quiet bookworm would be seen as standoffish and antisocial; in others, the boombox guy would risk arrest for breach of the peace.
I’ve always been comfortable living in funky neighborhoods. Pristine suburbs give me a suffocating conformist feel, but this is not true for everybody. People get satisfaction from orderliness. Keeping the spices and CDs in order is useful and gives a sense of control. This is an essential part of human nature because life is an order-creating phenomenon that uses the power of the sun to maintain its structure. But too much order is not conducive to growth and creativity; it is stultifying. This balance between order and chaos varies for different people. Openness to experience is one of the Big Five personality traits.
So the interesting questions are why I was initially annoyed, and what happened to change my mind. I hold that our emotions are of two sorts: love and fear. Their role is to help us survive in the world by attracting us to what is nourishing and avoiding what is unhealthy. Our initial reaction to something new and different is caution, but on assessment, we may see it as not a risk. This is what happened to me with boombox boy.
So what does all this have to do with relationships? Whether casual or personal, there are always differences and similarities. A relationship is held together by the similarities you recognize, whether it’s a love of coffee or the pain of loss. So generally (but not always!), take those differences not as a threat, but just as signs that we are all unique.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Turtles in the duck pond
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Super interesting. And you both started out the essay with almost the same words. (maybe that was agreed upon beforehand)? You’re so in sync. I think changes from the norm tend to be irritating once we’ve gotten into a pattern, at least for me. Maybe it’s just the aging factor, too. But I like how you looked at him and the situation from a different angle. Like what’s he going through, what’s his take on all. Also, I’d never heard of the Big 5, Phil. Thank you! Saludos to you both.
Jeanine
Hi Jeanine, thank you for sharing your response to our post. We do not discuss how we will each write to the topic. We jam on finding a topic for the post, and then what we think and feel about that topic. Then, we each go to our corners (so to speak) and write. We come back together and read each other’s and decide which one goes first, and if we have any edits to suggest to each other. We did discover when talking about this topic, that we both had similar reactions to the the music man: starting with irritation or the sense of being invaded, and then moving on to seeing it in other ways.
Maude
I figured as much but had to ask. It was so—-perfectly pitched! Attuned, but so are you guys!!
Jeanine
Thanks, Jeanine. Maude described our writing process well. Years ago, we used to write separately and then merge them, and we’ve gradually moved towards two voices, because we end up talking about different aspects of the same subject, and we hope that this gives two chances for readers to get what we’re talking about.
Yes, the Big Five seems to be a well-researched way of classifying people. Phil
It works well. And I love how you come together at the end with oftentimes the same thoughts on a matter, or in alignment. And thanks for introducing me to the Big Five. Fascinating.
Jeanine