Why Does Being Present Improve Your Relationships?
Podcast: Download
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS
PHIL: Being present in a relationship has much in common with meditating. When sitting, you try to avoid replaying the past and plotting the future, and instead focus on what is present: your breath, the sense of your body, any feelings that come up, external sounds, and so on. Treat your close relationships the same way, whether you have two or five or are like the fashion designer who threw a party for “500 of his close friends”.
In relationships, there is the past, whether reminiscences or what went wrong, and the future, whether something to look forward to or worry about. But the essence of a relationship exists in the present, and this is visible in the grammar we use: it is always referred to in the present tense: “I have a relationship.” If I say that I had a relationship, it no longer exists; it is only a memory.
So like in meditation, to be present in a relationship is to pay attention to how the other person is in the moment. It’s a sense, a feeling, and you can’t put words on it. It is simply how the other person is.
And yet we use words all the time. Senses, feelings, intuitions arise, and as we notice them, we find words for them. Sometimes that is easy – it itches! – and sometimes they are hard to describe. Using words in this way has great power. For instance, it is good to notice that you are uncomfortable in a situation, and even better when you can find a specific reason: it feels too good to be true, the other person feels shifty, or you simply need to pee.
Using more words can give us the ability to understand better and respond more appropriately, yet sometimes, they just conceal what our body is telling us. A long time ago, I hired someone to do some tree work. It went badly: the person was unlicensed, an employee broke his arm, workers’ comp kicked in, and it took a lawyer and money to settle the situation. Afterwards, I realized that I had been uncomfortable with the person even before the work started. Listen to those intuitions, people!
With Maude, my sense is that she is completely present. It is a peculiar sense in several ways: peculiar strange, peculiar specific and peculiar wonderful. I never have the sense that anything is being concealed. This is something that I know as a fact of life, rather than for reasons I can explain.
And that leads into the other aspect of being present in a relationship: being present yourself, which means presenting all of yourself to the other person. Shame, guilt, and embarrassment are what stop that from happening, but in close relationships you have to drop those. This needs trust, which develops over time through openness and honesty. As you approach a position of total trust, the feeling of freedom grows. You can relax; you can be yourself.
This is a skill that is worthy of cultivating with everyone. You don’t have to describe your back pain when the waiter asks how you are, but being present with people is the essence of connection, of feeling comforted, supported, of being part of something larger than yourself.
MAUDE: Phil and I have been talking about the depth of meaning and the profound nature of being present. This is something both of us hold as a daily goal and one we consider vital to our happiness and intrinsic to experiencing peace.
We are both feeling grateful for our relationships, and have been recognizing that you don’t feel that sense unless you are really present and experience directly the riches those relationships offer. Being in the moment is the blessing and the challenge we all have. How do you stay present without the issues of the past and the worries of the future pulling you forward and backward from what is in that moment? How can you function with what is required of you and still remain in the now?
I find my way through my interest and caring for others, and by calling on the spirit within me to help me remember that the moment itself is all I really have to deal with. I am profoundly fascinated, in a deep way, by sharing in the journey of those I love, as well as sharing mine with those who walk the path with me. I make myself available as much as I can and try to bring my full self to the party. I want to hear what is shared and learn to listen with my whole attention and love.
As with so much, this being there (Be Here Now, as Ram Dass wrote) starts within me and spreads from there. As I become more adept at living in this manner, my interactions become more peaceful, compassionate, and joyful. The present is filled with beauty, truth, and goodness. How can it be otherwise? If we are not worrying about what was, or what will be, then we can savor and appreciate what is.
I am not referring to a Pollyanna existence. Life is sometimes filled with challenges that call out difficult and even desperate situations and circumstances. The more we stay in the present, the more we will find a different way to respond. It will not take those hardships away, but it will change how we feel living through them.
You can be more loving in all your relationships when you respond from the moment you are in. “When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?” Thich Nhat Hanh
Are you present in your relationships? Do you offer yourself, your attention, and your availability to those you have a close connection with? Are you present for contact with those you meet as you pass by? I think many of you will answer yes; at least, that is your intention. And yet, the world has become so busy, and so full of busyness for most of us, that it is worthwhile to remember how important this is to all your interactions and to promoting peace.
We look forward to hearing about your experiences with being present. Please leave them in the comments section below.
Photo credit: Cor Schlösser
Photo note: Maude and Suzanne sharing good news
Read what else we have written on this topic.
Get our free weekly newsletter about how to have a harmonious relationship.