For Peaceful Relationships, Share Your Opinions But Don’t Be Opinionated

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Maude is away with a friend on one of those adventures she described last week (hence the photo), so I’m here writing solo.

The other night, as we were settling in for our evening’s entertainment, I said what I wanted to watch. (The Residence, Somebody Somewhere, and Dear Ms., in case you’re curious.) That got me thinking, because I’m not usually so explicit in my desires; I’m more likely to say “How about…” or “What shall we watch?” I’m counting on Maude to share honestly if what I suggest works for her.

But some people always push for what they want. They are opinionated, inflexible, dogmatic, adamant, insistent, intransigent, obstinate, stubborn, obdurate, and uncompromising. There are so many words for this that it has to be a common condition.

I picture people like this as having an obstinacy factor of close to one: maybe 0.9. Persistence is a great attribute when you are trying to invent a light bulb, but not when you are trying to construct a relationship. Two people, each with an obstinacy factor of 0.9, are bound to clash repeatedly.

My mathematical mind imagines that the sum of the obstinacy factors needs to be less than one to avoid power struggles.* Two people of 0.9 and 0.1 would fit that requirement. I’m sure you know relationships like that: one person makes all the decisions, and the other person goes along. The 0.1 person doesn’t express their wants; in fact they may have hidden their desires from themselves in order to live at peace.

And how about two people, each of 0.1, each trying to find out what the other wants, and also reluctant or unable to say what they want? The truth may never come out; they may end up watching something that neither of them likes.

The ideal balance is two people of 0.5. This doesn’t mean only getting your way half the time. For starters, it turns out that Maude and I often have the same program in mind, so no problem. In other areas, the very fact of saying what we want is enough for the other person to modify their desires and make a suggestion that might fit, and that gets modified in turn, and our experience is that we are always – always! – able to find something that works for both of us. It’s a combination of expressing our views while not being locked into them that makes this possible. So, have opinions but don’t be opinionated.

* This is obviously a poor model; does a committee of five people require each person to have a value of 0.2?

Photo credit: Kind stranger
Photo note: Jenny and Maude in Pismo Beach

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