Give Your Relationships the Time They Deserve

Podcast: Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

MAUDE: Phil and I just got back from a little overnight celebration of our first meeting. We took some time to just be with each other, share our love of nature, and concentrate on each other. Mainly, we were just hanging out, but it was so important. We relaxed into the rhythms of our relationship and spent a time of ease and comfort with each other. We do this every evening at around 8:30, turning off all outside influences like our phones and computers. We give each other the attention and time to just be with each other, playing, talking, sharing.

It got me thinking about how central to peace and joy in a relationship the simple act of taking time to be together is. I started looking at all the big and small ways I practice this in my relationships.

I have a dear friend who lives at a distance, and we take time to share over the phone on a regular basis. We do talk about the occurrences of our life and how we are dealing with them, but what is exchanged is more substantial. We share a time of being heard, being seen, and being loved for who we are. This pattern we have created keeps our relationship deeply alive and is a balm to my soul.

Two friends and I meet every two months for a luncheon, some walking (often by the ocean), and the exchange of what is in the depths of our hearts. This relationship of three friends is renewed and strengthened by spending time with each other, paying attention to each other, and being there for each other. There are texts and phone calls as well, and in all these ways and others, what we are doing is being; being with each other. I am reminded of something Phil wrote last week, “we carry out that intention not by doing, but by just being.”

I have a dear friend whom I have known since before high school. We talk on FaceTime a few times a year. We share visuals of ourselves, walk around showing each other our environment, and talking about what is nearest and dearest to our hearts. Mostly we are so happy to spend time together, getting caught up on what is happening in our lives and how we are dealing with it. We are happy to have the richness of most of our lives to remember together, and a love that has endured births, deaths, and the forward motion of time.

I have shared some of these stories to point out that it doesn’t matter how often the time together happens or fits. Some relationships afford more time than others. Yet, all of them benefit from regular time and attention. Peaceful relationships need to be nurtured.

PHIL: As Maude described, we always celebrate the anniversary of our meeting. This year, we went out in nature and then spent a night in Solvang, a sweet (as in saccharine-laden) Danish village. This ritual is an example of how we make sure to stay connected with each other by sharing how we are and what our dreams are.

Everybody has heard by now of the importance of connections for mental and physical health, but do you nurture them? Here is an interesting exercise: write down how much time you spend on various activities in a week, and then how important each of them is to you. You may find that your relationships deserve more time than you give to them. My guess on how this happens is that (pardon me for ranting on this yet again) language is a recent acquisition that has captured so much of our attention that we ignore many of our body’s nonverbal messages, and one of those is the need for connections of all sorts.

Humans are social animals – we cannot survive alone – so this is an inbuilt need. It exists both at the verbal and nonverbal levels, and we connect at both of those levels, maybe one more than the other. This explains (excuse the sexual stereotype) why men talk about cars, and women talk about cares.

Don’t just think in terms of your close connections. What are termed casual connections turn out to be very important for well-being:

With each fleeting interaction, strangers tie us to the collective, stitching us into the broader fabric of society and subtly shaping our sense of humanity. These easily overlooked moments matter for well-being and provide a sense of belonging. Taylor West and Barbara Fredrickson

By reflecting on how I am a part of society, I have come to see how spreading a loving vibe to everyone I meet complements my close relationships, and they both contribute to peace in the world.

Photo credit: Phil and Maude Mayes
Photo note: Nojoqui Falls, CA

Read what else we have written on this topic.

Get our free weekly newsletter about how to have a harmonious relationship.

Tell your friends!