In a Relationship, Sometimes Just Being There is Everything

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MAUDE: An experience I had with Phil recently reminded me how important it is to just be there for another person sometimes. It sounds so simple and so natural. Just be there. And yet, it can mean so much to the other person.

I had something I needed to do, and it was causing me a prolonged state of anxiety every time I thought of it or moved toward taking care of it. I felt so strongly anxious that I didn’t even realize how disproportionate my response was to the situation.

I had gotten myself to the point where I could take action and had set up the method of doing that. I still felt almost paralyzed by my anxiety. This was quite unusual for me, as I normally would just bite the bullet and go for it.

There was so much swirling around inside me that I went into Phil’s office where he was working and shared what I was about to do. He turned to me with his full attention and listened quietly to me. Then he got up and hugged me, and said, “I’ll just come and sit next to you while you do it.” He didn’t offer to do it. He didn’t try to fix me or change what I was feeling. There was no judgment. He just offered me his presence, his calm, and the unspoken reassurance that I could do this, and I wasn’t alone with my feelings.

This changed the entire situation. I felt listened to and heard, even though I was unaware of having communicated anything specific. I felt strangely calmed, although no words to my issue were spoken. He was present and paying attention enough to hear a need that I wasn’t even aware of, and to give it to me.

In peaceful relationships, listening and being present become a way of being that is part of the fabric of those connections. The loving, kind response is the go-to choice. Sometimes just being there is everything.

PHIL: Maude approached me about a computer task looming in front of her, and I could tell she was in serious need, so I gave her a hug and promised to sit down with her. She was uncharacteristically frazzled, though it didn’t seem to me to be a particularly challenging task; I learned years ago that Google is your friend. Got a perplexing error message? Put it in Google surrounded by quotes, and somebody, somewhere in the world, has had the same problem. At the same time, I was there to offer support rather than do things directly.

I think this story illustrates a number of things. We all have different skills: I’m not good at sewing; I hate asking for help; I took the wilted salad back to the store and applauded myself for being bold; I enjoy balancing checkbooks; if a file is on your computer, I can find it. So what is an overwhelming problem for one person can be done en passant by someone else. Our social nature is why we feel good helping others, and everybody benefits.

Even just being there was a great help. There is strength in knowing that we are not alone in doing things, whether it is physical help, guidance, or just playing long stop (a cricket position; look it up).

That this was a big struggle for Maude was immediately clear to me, and I think that it’s because we all have an exquisite sensitivity to the states of other people; for instance, the amygdala evaluates faces and assesses the trustworthiness of an individual.

Of course, to be aware of how someone else is and respond to it requires being present and paying attention to the underlying message as well as the words. So when you are with someone, certainly tell them how you are and what you’ve been doing. That’s how we open and share ourselves. But also make space for them. Listen between the words. They will know you are seeing them.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: Phil and Maude

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