R-E-S-P-E-C-T Is One of the Factors of Peace in Relationships

Podcast: Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

PHIL: I respect Maude in two different senses of the word. One is that I have great respect for her abilities, her skills, especially the ones I don’t have. (Perhaps it is only the ones I don’t have; perhaps we aren’t surprised when people do things that we can carry out perfectly competently ourselves.) I admire her fluency with people and her flexibility compared to my inability (or resistance at least) to letting go of old shirts, books, possessions generally. Not that I’m a hoarder, but I’m a second cousin to one.

But the other aspect of respect uses the word in a different sense, as a verb instead of a noun. I respect her space, her autonomy, her choices. It’s her life, to be lived as she chooses.

Practicing such respect is not an action so much as an inaction, a non-doing. You might think that is something that takes effort: a restraint, a curbing of the tendency to control, direct, interfere, adjust. But it is made easy by my recognition that she is another person who is equal to me in her needs and desires and driving force, which must all be there, even if I can only infer them from the outside.

And to act in such a way brings me a wonderful freedom. It feels like a change of state, a kind of superconductivity where I can flow without resistance because I am not getting snagged on how things ought to be, but accepting how they are.

It is true that certain conditions have to be in place for this to happen. It helps when both people respect each other; otherwise, snags will still arise. And both people have to have values that align. We find those values in fairness and caring, though other people may find them in authority and loyalty. (These values come from Haidt’s Five Moral Foundations.)

To fully respect another person is to find the place where there’s no attempt or need to alter them; you’re not trying to make them you; you’re accepting them for who they are.

MAUDE: Respect can mean many different things to each of us. For me, practicing respect within my relationships is a cornerstone of peace within them. When I think of the act of feeling and showing respect, it brings forth a sense of honoring the uniqueness of that other individual; honoring the other in the very acknowledgment and acceptance of their being and the way they express that being.

When I look at my experiences with my deep relationships, there are two aspects existing at the same time that I see. The first is that we share values. Regardless of what words or actions we use to express our values, they are shared. They will look and sound quite different most times. We use different ways and words to express ourselves. (There are those rare cases of deep kindred spirits, where even the words and acts coincide quite closely, but that is an exception.)

I have learned to show respect for this variety, and I have developed a reverence for it. The second aspect has been, and still is, a process within me as I grow toward peace in my relationships. The path has been becoming more conscious as I experience the adventures I have created for this coming birth year. As many of you know, I am setting aside space somewhere within this year to spend quality time with my deepest connections. These are often on trips where we are living together for some longer or shorter period. I experience this with Phil all the time, and it offers the best opportunity to practice peace as a living, visceral quality.

As a result of this kind of shared contact, I have become acutely aware of my processes of relating. I have observed myself moving through a few differing responses. I often start out observing or listening to the other person and thinking of what I would do or say in the same specific situation. I then move (rather quickly, I am happy to say) to knowing that it is not important, nor is it what is going on in the moment. This array of thoughts is an attempt, even when unconscious, to make the other person me. It comes from the desire to feel connected, but it is a misdirected attempt.

I switch to just being there and listening to how this other person is sharing the same values in a totally different way; one filtered through their personality. They use different words and have different feelings, and often take different actions accordingly. I sit there with them, experiencing them, and us, and the moments we are sharing. This is what is real. I feel great respect for them as a personality, and awe at the variety in each of us, while knowing our connection is through our shared values and the shared adventure of being alive in this moment of time.

I respect their space, I respect their autonomy, I respect their choices and I respect their uniqueness. I treasure these things. I honor these things. I think less and less about what I would do. I sit in the peace of the shared moments and the love, honesty, trust, and openness being gifted to me.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: Local yard sign

Read what else we have written on this topic.

Get our free weekly newsletter about how to have a harmonious relationship.

Tell your friends!