Why Communicating Strengthens the Connection in Your Relationships
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MAUDE: Last night Phil and I were sitting together, and we started talking about how each of us was feeling. The conversation wasn’t about anything big or life-changing. It turned out that neither of us was feeling really right, but it was a kind of diffuse, hard to locate and describe sensation. Both of us felt a bit at odds, off-center. These feelings had nothing to do with each other, except that each of us had similar feelings within ourselves. As we talked and shared, something different began to emerge. While each of us strove to put into words the experience we were having, something shifted for both of us.
Reaching out and sharing with each other, as well as using words to catch the elusive sensations each of us had, transformed how we felt. It happened slowly, and almost without notice. It emphasized for both of us just how important talking with each other is, even when we are not trying to solve anything or make decisions.
It was the act of being together and sharing our feelings aloud to each other that helped each of us and created warmth and intimacy. It is so important to talk with one another. What we gained did not come from the content of the exchange, from letting each other know some deep hidden truth, or from the clearing up of some misunderstanding. It came from the very act of communicating itself.
Speaking these diffuse sensations out loud to Phil helped me to understand and get a thread on what I was feeling, which I was unaware of until I put it into words to him. I heard myself. Hearing what he shared gave me insight into him, but also into myself, as I could relate to what he said.
There is such comfort and peace in an open and honest exchange, one that you can only have in a relationship where trust has been developed and has become the natural way to be with each other. This comes from paying attention, listening, and showing that you are present with the other. It comes from talking not only when there are issues, but just for the pleasure of being with each other and knowing what is happening with the other person. It comes from knowing that truth is spoken, and that there is no withholding of that truth. It comes from the practice of staying in touch with one another and from being interested in each other.
This kind of communication is vital to all relationships.
PHIL: What makes for good communication in relationships? It is when you can talk openly with each other about anything and everything – your worries, hopes, history, and feelings. For these to flow freely, you have to know that you will be heard and seen. You have to be prepared to expose yourself without the risk of being seen as lacking in strength, will-power, or ethics. That, of course, takes trust. We’ve written about trust elsewhere, but in brief, it requires honesty, which in turn requires openness.
Surprise! Openness and honesty are part of good communication, so all these aspects are bound up together, and each one reinforces the others. I shouldn’t have to remind you that deep communications are in the first person; they are about what you are thinking and feeling. That’s how to be open. Anything else is gossip, a news summary, or an accusation.
One of the things about open communication is that it is also an exploration into yourself. Putting feelings into words is a way of dragging them into the light, turning a fog of, say, gloom, into reasons for its existence. Not everyone wants to do this:
David Senra: “You don’t have any levels of introspection.”
Marc Andreessen: “Yes. Zero. As little as possible.” Source
I’ll close by returning to an idea I keep thinking about: that we are a social species, and connection is a deep need we all have. Communication is that connection. Practice it. We need each other in these divided times.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Old friends deep in conversation
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