Why Is Your Truth So Important In Relationships?

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PHIL: We’ve written in the past about white lies, and that while social graces help us all live together harmoniously, within close relationships, they reduce trust, an essential part of a peaceful relationship. I was recently downvoted on Reddit for arguing for total honesty, and I can understand why, when starting out in the adult world, people feel the need to present an attractive front to fit in with groups and attract partners.

I think that as we mature and discover more about who we are and what we want as opposed to the roles ordained by family and society, telling the truth in our close relationships becomes essential for us to live comfortably with ourselves.

Is it even necessary to speak at all? Are you impelled to speak out spontaneously, like a pressure cooker venting? Are you giving voice to your feelings or trying to control the situation (aka other people) around you?

But when you are invited into a dialog (“Do these jeans make me look fat?”), of course, your truth is needed. As I said at the beginning, openness and honesty are necessary in peaceful relationships.

But how do we do that with grace? I think it helps to distinguish between truth and facts. There is our truth, what is true for us, and it is so self-evidently true that we think it is the truth, but really, it is only what is true for us based on our upbringing, temperament, and perception of the situation. Furthermore, it is only what is true at this time. As we examine our motives and learn more about the situation and the other person, our understanding can change. It’s like watching a detective story where new evidence turns up, new motives are revealed, and the likely suspects keep shifting.

When we speak, we should make clear that it is our reality. Speak in the first person. Be gentle. There are many ways to say what is true for you.

MAUDE: I have found myself in several conversations recently about truth, truth-telling, and the meaning and importance of truth. Phil had an experience on Reddit in terms of relationships and speaking truth, and these exchanges led us to today’s post.

For me, truth is a living, moving, growing experience, and it applies to what is going on inside me. Truth is not fact. Truth is dynamic, personal, and meaningful. My truth speaks of my personal values.

When something occurs that is of meaning within a relationship with a friend, relative, or partner, it is important to me to stop and go inside to reflect on what I am feeling or thinking. The pause between my reaction and my response is a rich period for me to explore what my truth is in the given situation.

I have a series of questions I put to myself, including what is going on here? What do I feel, and why is it meaningful to me? What do I want to convey to the person I’m relating to? Is there something of value for the person I am addressing that I can communicate?

What I find that reveals more of me is certainly of value to communicate in any intimate relationship. In that instance, it would be important for me to make it clear that I am communicating something about me; something I think or feel. It would be equally meaningful to make it clear that it is not about the other person, but about me.

Often, people start communications out as if it is about them, but they are really saying the other person made them feel that way, or caused what is happening to them. When you speak this way with someone, they can sense it. If someone feels attacked or pushed, they will not be available to experience what you are sharing.

Even more important, if you make yourself a victim or blame someone else for your experience, you will not learn your own truth. And you will miss a precious opportunity.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Couple feeding ducks

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