We also had an experience which we think is worth sharing with all of you, and which might help some of you who are ready to recognize the possibility for changing patterns that aren’t working in your relationship, and how to do it.
We headed out on our week-long journey with only a specific plan for the first stop and a direction for the general trip. We made no reservations and had decided to play it all by ear and feel, with which we were both good.
We were a bit testy with each other as the first day’s drive unfolded, a bit impatient. There were misunderstandings between driver and navigator and a tone of snippy answers and irritability. This was not typical of how we interact with each other and certainly not what we want. Luckily we both know that.
After some time, Phil said, “We seem to be at each other in an uncomfortable way, kind of out of sync.”
On hearing this and reflecting a bit, Maude replied, “We are probably just getting used to how to function with this open-ended plan.”
There were no defensive reactions or hurt feelings. We both realized this wasn’t what or who we are. It wasn’t fun and it wasn’t how we wanted to treat each other.
Phil’s recommendation? “What if we just decide not to do this, not to be short with each other, and then we just don’t do it?” So we did (just stop) and we did (not do it) and we had a magical journey from that point on! Poof, true transformation.
Now some of you might say that sounds unreal. Well, it is, if you don’t know what you want, and how you want to be with each other. It is unreal if you haven’t gotten to know yourself and each other to the point of trust and comfort so that you are sure of the way you want to treat each other and be treated.
Bigger changes are more difficult because there are pluses and minuses involved, but the general idea is the same. When you know what you want and it is solidly grounded, it is a reframing. You stand firmly, marveling at the new view.
If you aren’t clear on what you want, you won’t get it #quote #relationships Click To TweetHere’s a suggestion from our latest book where we discuss Our Process. Use it if one of you forgets.
If your partner slips, don’t join him or her; instead, help them back by remaining committed to a shared solution. This is the point at which you can make a conscious choice to act differently. One small change will cause a different reaction, and the entire discussion can take an alternate path. By refusing to let conflict in, even if it comes from your partner, your response can change the entire tenor of the exchange. How Two: Have a Successful Relationship
If you aren’t clear on what you want, you won’t get it #quote #relationships Click To TweetTrue transformation just happens with a simple right turn going in a different direction. But you have to know who you are and what you truly want before you can get to the point where you can make that transformative move, and that takes personal work. Ask yourself: Are you attached to certain behaviors? Are you unconscious of certain behaviors? Do these serve you and your relationship? Do they express what you want to be with each other?
Before real transformation can occur, you need to have reflected together and answered these things for yourself and for you as a couple. When this has happened, however, the change is just like snapping your fingers. It’s easy and really simple. You just turn and go off in the other direction. And don’t look back!!