Acceptance – Some Thoughts to the Topic
In preparing to write an article to the topic of Acceptance, we have been thinking and talking together about the components of this very critical aspect of conflict free relationships. I keep thinking that one of the places that people get caught up, is in the area of understanding that there really are two separate persons involved in a relationship. I know this sounds obvious, but in practice, the mind does not always acknowledge this fact. As we grow more intimate with someone, there is a sliding of the line between ‘us’and ‘them’. We feel the mutual self and sometimes we forget there really are two selves, as well as the new self – the couple in union. This is most often seen in simple areas. The couple is out with friends. One of them speaks and says things differently than the other would. The one listening feels bad, angry or badly represented, because they feel that what their partner says counts as them speaking.
These types of feelings can quickly lead one down a path of criticism, and the desire to alter how or what the other person does, to adjust it to be more correctly representative of one’s self.
Acceptance is basically the exact opposite. You are in full knowledge of the other person as just that. You are fascinated by the very fact that this is another person, with totally different ways and thoughts, while at the same time being in consonance with you on your core issues. You are not threatened by their being, their different way. You celebrate it!
How can we avoid this pitfall that is so common to all of us, as we build our relationships.
What do you think?
Love that you said this. I have seen and felt this happen so many times. When the other partner becomes visibly uncomfortable with (which also feels like judging) how their mate behaves or speaks, I usually feel uncomfortable too. It causes me to start judging too. I often feel like the “judgy” partner is somehow abusive and controlling (maybe unconsciously), or even power-playing to make themselves seem smarter than their mate (if they seem to be consciously / on purpose displaying their discomfort or disapproval). I’d much rather see partners looking curious, interested, or surprised in a positive and supportive way when their partner says something that differs with their opinion. I think it would be great to discuss ways that one could express differences of opinion in public with sensitivity to the other partner — how to do it without making them embarrassed, without belittling them, — but at the same time to be OK with a little public “debate” — I think there’s a pressure on couples to appear “perfect” in public. Nice to see this sensitive topic explored.
Also, just witnessed a wife making a request of a husband in public, and he seemed to want her to wait until they were no longer in public. Maybe spouses should set up agreements about how they will handle these things.