How Tone of Voice Creates Peace in Your Relationships

Podcast: Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

MAUDE: There are so many seemingly little things that go into creating peaceful relationships. One of those is tone of voice. Be aware of yours when you are communicating. Is it snippy or even snarky? Is it communicating what you want it to? What effect does it have on the person with whom you are interacting?

Peaceful relationships can come down to whether or not you speak with respect, love, and kindness in your tone of voice and basic attitude. This kind of communication creates an environment of calm, openness, and comfort. Neither of us is attracted to dissonance in our relationship. As a result, we try not to speak with a tone of denigration or disregard. Often when people do this, they are just reacting from old patterns or responding hastily without noticing the feeling that this kind of tone conveys. This kind of behavior leads to many of the problems people have.

When one person is dismissive and critical in words and tone of voice, it creates a defensive posture in the other person and often sets up an argumentative tone in the relationship, or at the very least a passive-aggressive response.

It’s an odd phenomenon that we humans frequently treat the ones we love and feel safest with in the least loving manner. It’s almost as though since we know we are loved, we don’t have to share the good feelings we have with the other, but rather, can share all that is wrong or bothers us. We can let out our negative energies because we know we are loved by this person and are sure we will not be abandoned. This happens frequently between parents and children. It also comes forth with mates.

Unfortunately, this form of behavior often leads to a change in attitude toward the loved one as well. When you speak critically or without honor and respect, your attention shifts and you begin to actually see the negative and all that you feel critical of more and more. Without realizing it, your focus can change and that which you love can recede behind the screen of the imperfections you are focusing on.

Peaceful relationships come from a tone of voice filled with respect, love and kindness #quote Share on XTo return to your feelings of love and regard, start to listen to yourself. Are you expressing the love that you feel toward the other person? When was the last time you expressed that to them or to yourself for that matter? What is it you really feel toward them and is it being communicated in your tone when you speak with them?

Whether you are the person who is being criticized or the one acting in this manner, the same inner listening is required. Work with yourself. Listen to yourself. Once you have truly reviewed and become aware of your own inner feelings, compare them to what you are saying and doing. Do they match? Do you spend time letting the other person know all the good and beauty you see in them? Do you show your love in the way you treat them?

It feels really good to express appreciation and regard to those you love. It reminds you of what you treasure in them when you express it. Similarly, constantly complaining and pointing out the negative fills you with bad feelings and dissatisfaction.

Make it a practice to speak your love with words of appreciation, a tone of respect, and an honoring of the other person. This will make you feel as good as it does them! This can become a powerful practice for deepening your awareness of your own actions and what they induce in others, as well as for growing toward being more peaceful inside.

This practice brings you immediately into the present. When you pay attention to your tone of voice, it helps you to avoid acting from things in the past and habitual behaviors. You are listening and responding to what is. This frees you up to be who you are and how you feel in the present. You can be a beacon of peace and love by spreading it in the very tone of your voice.

PHIL: This started when Maude overheard someone being snippy toward their partner and talked about how uncomfortable it made her feel. We fell to musing about how the meaning of speech is carried far less in the words than in tone of voice and body language. Try saying the sentence “I never said she stole my money” seven times, stressing each word in turn. Seven different meanings! That is why emails and texts are at risk of being misinterpreted, and emojis are an attempt to compensate for this.

Your interactions with other people are sometimes on autopilot. The conversation takes its course without any control from you, like a rudderless ship. But when you pay attention to your tone of voice, you find a microcosm of how you feel about the other person.

If it is comfort, ease, pleasure, familiarity, enjoy the experience. And if it is snippy or hostile, look at why. Perhaps that is obvious already; it matches how you are feeling. But maybe you haven’t noticed how you are feeling, and this is an opportunity to be aware of your feelings and maybe act on them. Is it something the other person has said or done, or is there no reason at all? Is this your resting face, a habitual irritation at the world? Now there is something to work on!

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Bronze statue in Santa Barbara

Read what some other writers have to say on this topic.

Get our free weekly newsletter about how to have a harmonious relationship.

Tell your friends!