Just Talk to Each Other – It’s That Simple
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PHIL: It may seem obvious; of course you talk to your partner. But lots of conversations are about the shopping or politics or how bad the traffic was, while there can be a whole interior monologue going on that never escapes your lips. It might be about you. It might be about your partner. But if those words aren’t spoken, they get replaced by assumptions, and soon misunderstanding turns up on your doorstep. People’s imaginations can be pretty wild sometimes. You start making up stuff.
So just plain talk to each other. Stay in communication. That’s crucial to every relationship of any importance. You have to stay in communication if you want an in-depth relationship.
So why doesn’t talking happen? Fear. Shame. Force of habit. You need to get past those if you want a close relationship. There’s a bit of a catch here; you can’t have a close relationship with those inhibitions, so you may not even know what a close relationship is like and you’re not motivated to push past them to reach it. Take baby steps, a little at a time. Every time you speak and your partner hears you is another vote for honesty.
To do this, you must trust that you’re not going to be attacked, and that your partner will hear you without reacting. Doesn’t always happen, but when it is your truth, when it is about you and not about the other person, when you approach with a pure heart, not bringing any ill will, it is that much easier to stand your ground.
Applying the golden rule also means that if you want to be fully heard, you must extend the same to the other person. So when your partner seems to you to be acting crazy, making irrational demands and baseless accusations, don’t fight back; hear them and accept that that’s their reality at this moment in time. It’s not your reality. Isn’t that fascinating?
MAUDE: As the title says, if you just talk to each other, and that goes for all relationships, you will find peace seep into your interactions. If you speak to each other honestly and regularly, sharing how you feel about things current and meaningful to each of you, it transforms the connection.
When you speak without blame and are talking about your own feelings, you are using the communication to pass information on. This knowledge provides many things and acts like a superpower. No longer is there any reason for conjecture about what the other person is feeling and thinking; there is no stimulus toward projections and guesswork.
There is no unknown in the space between you. There is no birth of fear. The tension and resultant fear-based behaviors are removed. When fear creeps in with uncertainty, distance and separation always occur. This is one of the most destructive elements in any relationship.
When you connect with openness regularly, this kind of unease never gets generated. Instead, a slow, easy sense of calm and peace fills the space, and insecurity and distrust can no longer blossom there. In its place, another beautiful flower emerges. The sense of “we” becomes stronger and stronger. Unshakable, unbreakable.
Just talk to each other, it’s as simple as that! It’s easy, and generates such a good feeling that once you really practice this, you will not want to relate any other way!
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Two friends talking
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Being open to talking is essential to making no assumptions. Thanks, Phil and Maude! I needed this reminder.
Elaina
So glad this resonated for you!
Maude
I loved today’s blog. While it’s a simple truth that being close with each other requires a safe and honest setting, I can see how things can get a little twisted and it becomes more difficult to speak one’s true feelings.
Iris
Yes, it is so simple, and yet so often does not happen or people lose the awareness to deep it up.
thank you for your comment
Maude
I have strong feelings about this topic when it comes to relationships involving long term commitment! I have had three “partnership relationships” covering 66 years of my life. One was not good due to alcohol thought not abusive physically. But emotional abandonment was an issue. The other two were full of love and abiding commitment. And, yes indeed, good communication was essential. Discussing feelings, attitudes, “problems” with loving intention were building blocks! We learned to enjoy our “alone times” as well as the “together times”. We used appreciation, gratitude, genuine compliments, thank yous and I love Yous! A lot. And for us, it was not just the things we did together where it happened . We thought about our relationship as well as our individual reactions or issues when apart. In our minds when apart and offered when together. The kitchen table. Over the morning paper. At night when winding down. A drive or a walk in the park. After a concert or occasion of entertainment. Mundane. Serious. “Problem issues” requiring understanding. A thousand reasons. But the thread of connection was “loving commitment” that built the bonds that held us together.
I was many years lucky yes. But it wasn’t a miracle. It took a lot of thought to make it happen. We both learned from our first marriage “what didn’t work” and a few things that did!
Eugenia
Yes, the same is true for us in many ways. We always have that option to learn as we go. We too have much separate time as well as together (in the physical sense) time. We are always connected whether with each other physically or not.) Thank you for sharing your experience.
Maude