Pay Attention – It’s How to Best Support Each Other

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MAUDE: Last week, Phil had a big birthday. I had been thinking of how to celebrate him for many months, and had made numerous suggestions to him for grandiose celebrations, parties and trips. He never responded with the least enthusiasm to any of them.

I decided to watch and listen for a clue as to what he really wanted. And here starts the story of a completely different journey than the one I had been pursuing. I had begun with what I wanted for him or imagined being a great way to celebrate. These ideas had very little to do with Phil. They were my creations.

As the date drew closer, my observation and hearing of what Phil really wanted and needed became clearer. He would be happy and comfortable with a small intimate celebration with immediate family. I was able to think of just the right place, private enough, but beautiful, quiet enough for everyone to hear, with delicious food and not too much traveling.

Phil had said to pass on the word that he wanted no gifts, just the company and cards. I passed the word on about only cards, and our granddaughter picked up the ball for the family, creating gorgeous cards for each family member to write on. Yet, I wanted to give him something that would acknowledge who he is and would bring him joy. Phil is deeply caring about the environment and it lays heavy on his heart at all times. He wants to contribute in this area. So I had a forest planted in his name (120 trees) to be planted in areas that badly need reforestation.

On the nights before his birthday and the start of his new year, he shared his hopes for the coming year and his desire to move forward with his writing projects, among other things important to him. Months before, he had described his desire to turn his office room into more of a study, with a couch for writing and a generally more comfy atmosphere. I gave him a certificate to work with him on getting the room cleared out and restructured how he envisioned it for his work and pleasure.

At the same time as this was playing out, I was working with a new situation as well. I am on the board of a non-profit and had recently taken on the mantle of treasurer, as our previous one had passed away. I was unfamiliar with all the technology needed to set up the reports and spreadsheets for required reporting. Phil saw this and offered to help, easily setting up all the forms I needed to fill in the required information.

I share these stories to offer a wonderful experience that can be yours in your relationships as well. Pay attention and learn how to best support each other; not through your own projections, but rather by listening and observing what the other person really wants and needs. I felt so good giving Phil what I had learned he wanted. The celebration was perfect as a result, and everyone there felt it and enjoyed it so much more for that. Phil felt heard and acknowledged and was deeply touched by the experience. The same happened to me; getting the support from Phil to perform my duties made me feel so good.

This is a simple shift to make, and it brings untold intimacy, joy, and peace into any relationship where you practice it. True support is not about you but about the other. And it is something we can all offer if we only listen and are open to each other.

PHIL: A couple of things happened for us this week. I have been lamenting both my inability to throw anything away and my lack of somewhere peaceful to write. Maude gave me a birthday gift of a promise to help me rearrange my office. Maude is treasurer for a non-profit and wanted help setting up spreadsheets to record and add up the year’s expenses.

Both of these things happened, and I noticed several things. One is that different people have different skills, and what is easy for me to do is hard for Maude to do, and vice versa. I co-wrote a spreadsheet back in the 1980s (Lucid 3-D), and throwing in a bunch of numbers and juggling them is a sheer pleasure to do. Conversely, I have extreme difficulty in letting things go, and throwing things away is anathema, probably due to growing up in post-war Britain at a time of scarcity and rationing. So we were both able to help each other and make each of our lives easier.

The other thing that I noticed is that we both felt good doing these things for the other person; it wasn’t a burden, it was a pleasure. Most people get pleasure from doing things for other people because that is the nature of a species that lives in groups. It is what ties society together. This fits right in with the saying that it is better to give than to receive, and studies show that helping someone else makes you feel good.

I am describing differences here, which are sometimes perceived as a bad thing—why can’t she take care of those numbers; it’s such a simple thing—and can be a cause of resentment. But I’m saying to look at the positive aspects of differences and the benefits they bring. They can both reduce your workload and make you feel good, and the reason we’re writing about this today is that by paying attention to them, you change your perception of the relationship.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note:  Our granddaughter drew cards for everyone to write in

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