Why Constancy of Connection is Important in Your Relationships

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PHIL: Last week, Maude wrote, “I had a partner once who was very there when he was there, but also often totally not available or present,” and when I asked her about this, she said it created an edginess in the relationship. The connection wasn’t always there, no matter how incredibly intense it could be. It would just feel as if it had evaporated.

I asked about how we are in that respect, because I’m prone to being deeply involved in my own thoughts. I was a programmer, and when coding, there was just me and thousands of lines of code in my head, which I was nudging to behave as I wanted. There was no room for interruptions. This is a well-known phenomenon. In “The Mythical Man Month,” David Brooks wrote that when a developer is interrupted, they must pause their complex mental model of the task and then spend time rebuilding it to resume work. These days, I spend my time musing about the nature of the world.

But Maude said that even though I am sometimes unavailable, she never has a sense of disconnection. She said, “It’s you doing you. That doesn’t happen to be available to me, but it doesn’t feel like it’s about me either. That’s why that doesn’t feel there’s a disconnect, because that’s not what’s going on; whatever is happening, your unavailability doesn’t mean you’ve removed yourself. You’re just doing what you’re doing. There is no withdrawal involved; you’re just not available.”

Let me pause here and say that Maude and I both have a need for time alone. We’re lucky enough to live in a house that can accommodate our need for privacy. Some couples organize their whole lives as a couple. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not how we are.

So what is the nature of our connection?

Think of it in terms of mindfulness, which (to oversimplify it) is about paying attention to the actual sensations before they get labeled. Another person is a bundle of senses that I recognize as another individual, just like me. I think that Maude and I are able to drop down into the experience.

Of course, along with that are words, ideas, plans, history – everything in the verbal domain. Those words can be so loud and insistent that they consume all our attention. But I think that Maude and I stay open to the human need for connection. And that is the basis for why we are always connected.

MAUDE: In order to have a feeling of peace and safety within a relationship, it is necessary that the connection remain unwavering regardless of what is externally happening. This does not, however, require continually being in each other’s presence or being in constant contact.

Phil and I have a deeply connected relationship. Our sense of connection is always there. I have a similar experience within most of my deep relationships. Both Phil and I have a need for personal space, a need which is not only physical, but involves mental space as well. We are fortunate in that our home provides amply for that possibility. If this were not so, we would still find a way to create that, as it is a mutual need.

I have been in other intimate relationships where we both shared that same need for personal space, but what was lacking in those was the constancy of presence and connection that I share with Phil and other friends and relatives. I have long-distance relationships with a number of friends, and although we may or may not speak or communicate regularly, the connection is unbroken, solid, and unquestioningly there.

I have also had relationships with partners and friends where this kind of constancy was not offered. We had a strong sense of connection, but then there was a shift, and it felt like this was severed, almost like it evaporated. It felt like a withdrawal, even if it returned at another time. This kind of relating does not engender a peaceful feeling; it is disturbing, even causing a feeling of anxiety.

Phil is sometimes not available, and is wrapped up in his own thoughts and projects. I’m available more often, as that is my nature. However, I never feel that his lack of availability impinges on our connection or that it has, in fact, anything to do with me. It is just him and how he is. If it does become uncomfortable, I am able to communicate what I am feeling to him without any blame or resentment. He is always responsive to hearing what I am feeling, perhaps because he knows he is not being accused of anything. I am just telling him about me, and what is happening for me, not saying something about him.

This kind of constancy of connection produces a feeling of calm, peace, and ease in a very primal way. It makes room for a depth of exchange and a trust in each other that is not available without it.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: A calm, peaceful day in the park

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