The One Simple Switch That Transforms Every Relationship You Have
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MAUDE: I had a conversation with my friend Dale the other day that I found very inspiring. She told me of an event she experienced while walking near her home. She encountered a group of women from the block standing and discussing some things together. Among them was the woman who lived next door to her. In the discussion, she gave her opinion about something, and the one who lived next door said somewhat aggressively, “Oh, I can see you and I have very different political views!” Dale looked at the woman and, smiling, replied, “Well, you are my neighbor, and that is much more important to me than what our political views are.”
That response changed the relationship completely, and as a result, these two became friends. Dale had shifted from being involved with her opinions and sharing them to a direct interest in the person of her neighbor, and the results transformed this relationship.
This story led me to think about a switch that can change the very nature of a relationship. It requires one very simple thing: shift your attention from yourself to the other person. This may sound more complicated to you than it is. If you have decided to pursue peaceful relationships, then this will not be difficult. You have already made the choice to be aware of how you are interacting and to find methods that take you forth on a path toward peace.
Paying attention and being aware of the other person is part of that path. You can best do that by switching your focus to them.
This is transformational and has many immediate benefits. When you shift your awareness and attention to another, they sense it. It is a palpable difference. It calls forth a similar response in the other person. It brings both of you into the present, and in that present is the interaction between the two of you; not what is about to happen or what just happened, but rather what the two of you are sharing with each other. There lies the richness of connection and the ability to hear and be heard, to see and be seen.
This way of being together is relaxed and comforting. It eliminates many of the tensions of what each of you may be feeling in your individual lives. The place of connecting in the present with awareness of each other is one of peace. It is a place of sharing and love.
PHIL: Here’s some advice for all your relationships: shift attention from yourself to the other person. This is powerful for two reasons. Firstly, it makes sense. The idea of being present, as described in books like Be Here Now and The Power of Now, is commonplace these days, so it is easy to see that placing our attention on another person is a form of being present. It is a way of removing the preoccupation with ourselves: our daydreams, plans, worries, self-image (how do I look, am I witty), and being present with the other person.
But that is just a description of why it makes sense. The real power of the injunction is when you actually do it. By paying full attention to the other person, you open up a channel that was formerly a trickle. The experience is very different. Listen to what they are saying, the tone behind it, what drives them to say it, what their world must be like, and how they arrived at that place.
You are opening to how they are, and you are offering not just words, but your self. When you do this, it is visible to the other person. By feeling seen and accepted, they are invited to look further within and share more.
This isn’t true for everybody. There are people who are so trapped within themselves that they don’t recognize the connection. Don’t take it personally; take it as fascinating all by itself. Offer your attention to everyone, from the checkout clerk to your partner. That’s how we spread connection in the world. That’s how we spread peace.
Photo credit: Mare
Photo note: Interlude in Baja
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