Successful Relationships Reading Corner
This week, we wrote about how radical non-interference makes our relationship feel so peaceful. Here are some posts we’ve written on being both separate and together at the same time.
How To Respect Each Other’s Separateness While Being Together “For Phil and me, one part of expressing that is respecting the other person’s separate life; their individual wants and needs, thoughts and feelings, comings and goings. I don’t try to alter him to be more like me, to see or do things the way I do. As we mentioned last week, we do look for mutuality of action, seeking to find something that fits what both of us want or need. And we find rich abundance in the differences we each bring, as well as being strengthened by the similarities. This peaceful way of interacting is also a matter of respect for the other person; a respect that has to be applied in any relationship: romantic ones, friendships, and family relations. All these connections are improved when you honor each other in this way. It requires that you don’t try to make the other person into your image of them. Don’t trespass inside them.”
The We That Exists With the Separate Self “The world seems filled with darkness these days, and yet, the light shines brighter through our very real connections to each other. It radiates forth and has greater strength than any transitory, no matter how horrible, aberrations. Phil and I share these weekly posts to add to that light by writing of the beauty and potential of peaceful relationships. We have been reflecting on an element of that sweet peace that we enjoy. Perhaps you can recognize some version of it in your relationships, or find a path toward it. Our wish is to spread the calm, loving presence of that peace. Phil and I each take care of our own inner self, making sure we are as whole as we can manage. We support each other in this ongoing practice. There is no sense of invasion of my person by Phil, or vice versa. Nor is there a bleed-over: a space where part of me is him, or taken up by him. And yet, at the same time that we both feel complete within ourselves, we are fully with each other. There is an us, a we, that has a total existence, but in no way impinges upon, nor overlaps onto my separate self. This seems somewhat impossible, but it is so.”
How to Be Both Together and Separate in Your Relationship “The key to this is the ABC of Acceptance, Balance and Communication.
Acceptance
For this sort of mutuality to exist there must be a kind of total acceptance, in which each partner rests secure in the other. When this acceptance is present you can rest in the knowledge that you will not be judged, attacked or manipulated. You know in fact that you will be celebrated and appreciated for who you are. This acceptance eliminates any fear of disapproval or any threat of withdrawal of affections. It offers support for your explorations of yourself and your path without any worries about agreement or explanations. One of the things that we marvel at is that although we both pursue our individual lives and their separate expression, we never feel disconnected or estranged. We have forged such a deep bond through this experience of support and trust, that it goes with us everywhere, whether we are physically in the same place or not.
Balance
A critical part of achieving this type of loving flow between together and apart is to reach a balance of these states. Pay attention to the balance between your need to find your own destiny and the need for connection. This will be different for each partnership and will change over time as well. This is part of the grand adventure of living this type of love: keep redefining your time together, evaluate each of your needs in the present, and honor your bond with time and attention. Take time to be together no matter how busy you become in your private journey. Take time to be apart no matter how enticing that shared intimacy is.
Communication
The way to avoid getting lost in either part of this balance between self and union is to stay in the present together and communicate what is happening. Offer your partner both the freedom to fly and the security of connection. The simple act of talking with each other regularly will eliminate many an avoidable misunderstanding. Never take your partner for granted because things are so good between you that you instead put your mind to what isn’t working in your life. This is a mistake that we can all make too easily. Rejoice in your relationship and let it be your nourishment for all the mountains you need to climb in your personal work. Me’, ‘you’ and ‘us’ are all parts of a successful relationship. Foster all the parts and the whole will be a bastion of renewal and life force.”