A Different Approach to Differences in Relationships

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PHIL: I have been talking about differences a great deal recently, and that is because it seems to me that differences are the source of friction between people, whether it’s what movie to watch or where to live.

Maude and I are quite different in many ways. One is the kinds of relationships we have with people. I have a limited capacity for socializing; she is on the phone for hours each day, or so it seems. We differ on territoriality, shopping style, approaches to healthcare. Yes, we also have plenty in common: a love for steam engines, road trips, the Coen brothers.

I want to say two things about these differences.

Sometimes they don’t matter at all, but when they do, they never cause problems. I look at my reaction, and sometimes it’s stupid; I can let it go. If I can’t, I look at why, and how important it is for me. And if it is important, we talk and resolve it.

They all live in the shadow of our connection, and that connection is so much larger than any differences that the differences fade in comparison. It is not that we compromise to maintain the relationship. Instead, the strength of the connection makes any differences irrelevant. (I realize this may not be true for everyone, and I think the answer there is to look at core values.)

The second thing about differences is something we haven’t emphasized before: that when your partner is different, it shows you a different way of doing things. If you can get past your ideas of how things should be done, you can say, well, I see things this way, but what if I saw them their way? I do things this way, but what if I did them that way? Maude’s effortless connection with and support for her friends is an inspiration. I don’t want to copy her, but it makes me look at my relationships in that light.

We have all made for ourselves a nest in which we try to live comfortably in the world, but it also constrains us, and incorporating the differences of our partners and friends is an opportunity to expand that nest and live a more spacious life.

MAUDE: For a while now, Phil has been remarking about how different we are, while marveling about it at the same time. Why marveling? Well, he always follows it up with the statement that these differences never seem to come between us, and that our connection is such that those differences aren’t negatives, they are just differences. Actually, not ‘just differences’, but often additions that enhance us with a bigger personal view of the possible. It tends to make us looser and more flexible with each other to see that even with our strong connection, we each have ways of doing and being that are quite different.

I think we have always tended to respond to each other with a lack of tension and without any sense of threat. But the surety and ease with which we can handle some very potentially challenging differences, like how we each deal with illness, have deepened with time together and the accumulation of experience.

When there is a gaping difference between how I would respond and how Phil does, it stops me at first. There is that moment where I go, “What’s happening here? Something foreign is occurring.” With Phil, this short stop lasts a relatively brief time. I don’t have that initial response to push it away because it’s different, or to defend against it, or change it. I relax and look at the response with interest, examining if I might try it that way, or at the least, I see that it’s Phil’s way and has nothing to do with me.

Occasionally, when something is so different that it keeps nudging at me or even unsettling me, I tell Phil about my feelings, making sure it is clear I am talking about how I feel, and it is not about him. Often just telling him, while he listens calmly and with love, changes that feeling. We both listen, looking for that thread, for that opportunity of understanding. We talk back and forth until we get to a mutual place of peace and balance with the difference. Never, even when dealing with an originally charged reaction, do either of us ever question our connection, or the we of us. These kinds of things don’t even touch on that.

We are all unique; therefore by nature we are all going to be different. In your deeper relationships, as with partners, those differences may become the source of distance or estrangement. They can become issues of conflict with both parties wanting to be right or have things their way. Approaching each other with the knowledge and conviction of the strength of your connection brings a wonderful path toward peace. When you can react with acceptance of the other, however they may be, knowing that they are who they are, and when you can love them for that, you find inner peace with that relationship.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: An installation at The Broad, a museum in Los Angeles

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