How Attentive Listening Strengthens Your Relationships

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MAUDE: Pay attention! Listen! These seem like rather simple admonishments. And yet, so many of us find it very challenging to do so. Listening to others with an open heart and full attention seems to have become almost a lost art. I say art because it is indeed one. Many people struggle to empty their minds of all the input surrounding them daily. Screens abound, pouring forth information and challenges.

In this flood of data, relationships can offer a deeply needed place for a different kind of being. Learning to listen to one another is an especially profound way of experiencing this opportunity. I recently had an encounter that reminded me of the riches to be harvested from the simple act of sitting in the stillness of listening to another person.

I was in a Zoom meeting with others, and we were discussing some deeply personal questions. We went from the larger group to breakout sessions, and I was in one with a man I had seen at other meetings, but did not know from direct personal interaction.

We started talking and sharing with one another our thoughts and feelings to the topic. I found him to be open and willing to share who he was and how he felt. I realized that this was a situation in which I could come to know him more deeply. All I had to do was listen to what he was offering to me. I found myself moving into a deep inner calm and quiet. Any thoughts of what I wanted to share, or words in my mind, stopped. I just listened.

As I did so, I noticed a total relaxation come over my body. And he, too, appeared more relaxed. This attentive listening was very powerful. When our short time in the breakout was over, I felt that we had begun a friendship. The act of listening in this manner is a field of riches in both directions; for the one listening and for the one being heard.

When Phil and I talk, it takes a while for us to get into the state of attentive listening. At first, we are each in our own heads, with the thoughts and issues of the day circling around. It takes a conscious effort to move from that state to one of inner quiet with the ability to listen and hear. It requires a certain element of setting yourself aside temporarily to come into sync with each other.

Phil and I know this place together and can get to it more easily than with someone we haven’t had much practice with. The path is the same, though. It takes awareness, the desire to do so, and a bit of healthy self-discipline. I am convinced that this way of being with one another offers a direct road to more peaceful relationships and one that we all can practice together.

PHIL: You might think that of course you listen when someone else is speaking, but much of the time, that is barely the case. You’re thinking about how to respond, or what you have to do later in the day, or what that strange noise outside is.

But to truly listen, you have to quiet all those voices in your head. You have to set yourself aside and pay attention to the other person. It needs a certain amount of ego loss, but you’re trading that for the sense of the other person, of grokking where they’re at, and only when they finish do you look inside, find out what your reactions are and then speak them.

A conversation like this has a different quality that I think stems from the fact that we are a social species, and deep in our DNA, we have a need to connect with each other. Our individualism, especially in the West, obscures that somewhat, but by listening and empathizing, we fulfill that need for connection.

Think how different the experience would be for someone if they were to talk to a brick wall (pardon the cliché) rather than to you. Yes, I know brick walls don’t give advice, but often the speaker doesn’t want advice, either; they just want to be heard. This was a big issue in my first marriage; I didn’t understand it at the time.

I want to emphasize the importance of letting people finish speaking. When they can speak in full without “Me too!” or “Why didn’t you…” interrupting the flow, they feel heard, seen, recognized, and this is heightened by the sense of receiving your full attention. Not everybody can let go of their own story enough to listen and connect in this way. Some people are trapped within themselves, and you have to try to meet them where they are.

I should add that this varies by culture. Deborah Tannen describes “conversational overlap” here where “the listener starts talking along with the speaker, not to cut them off but rather to validate or show they’re engaged in what the other person is saying.”

Often when two couples meet for dinner, there are two conversations going on; the men talk together and so do the women. But I particularly enjoy when there is a single conversation between all four people. I’m privileged to be in a group of six to eight guys who meet for breakfast regularly, and the same applies: there is one conversation, and it creates a delightful sense of sharing and connection.

So treat listening as the gateway to deeper relationships. That is something we all need.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Deep in conversation in the park

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