How Communicating From Your True Self Deepens Your Relationships

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MAUDE: Most relationship experts list communication as one of the most important kinds of exchanges between people. Phil and I feel this way as well, but it is the kind of communicating that is important to us. In the early part of our relationship, Phil would look at me with full attention and ask, “What is happening here?” And he was truly asking and clearly desirous of hearing my response and discussing it. I must admit that I had not experienced this kind of direct, deep reaching out in the beginning of other romantic relationships. It got my full and very interested attention.

Although we often covered many topics, he wasn’t interested in long conversations filled with chitchat. He wanted to converse on our connection, who each of us was, and what was important to each of us. Don’t misunderstand; we laughed a lot, hiked, went out on the usual dates, and walked around our beautiful city. These all happened, and were crucial to our relationship building. Yet, what made the difference was finding out what was important to each of us, and that came through the emphasis within our communication on sharing ourselves with each other.

We soon discovered that communicating on this level was a core value to both of us, and developing this style of connection was central to our movement toward one another. We were each strongly attracted to this way of being together. We bonded early over what was of meaning and value to each of us, and we built our relationship upon that foundation. This understanding was not always spoken. It was also shared through behavior and actions.

The experience of being seen and heard, and knowing that this was important to each of us was balanced by the equal importance of wanting to see and hear each other. We found a shared reality in these exchanges that confirmed our initial sense of intimate connection.

This kind of relating to other people has many qualities that are integral to close connections. Openness is an important one, as it allows you to dare to share your innermost core. In turn, you need to have a level of security within yourself, and to have done the inner work that creates this, to offer the kind of openness I am referring to. It is a process. As long as you are working on that inner knowledge, you will be able, to some degree, to come from that open awareness.

Finding and speaking your truth is another quality of this level of communicating. This is not to say that you should spew forth every thought and idea that crosses your mind. This is meant to refer to those aspects of meaning and value that impact the relationship. There always remain those elements of personal growth that are private to you and your own personal progress.

Relationships that have this kind of communication will not be perfect, as none of us are. They will, however, be filled with joy and peace. They will help you grow and bring you fulfillment.

PHIL: There are plenty of articles on the importance of communication in relationships. What we can add to the conversation is what communication is for us. The essence of this is being completely open.

For me, this issue of being totally open doesn’t feel completely natural because I was taught in childhood not to be direct. There is still a small remnant of that: a tiny barrier that I have to overcome. There is also a little bit of an almost forbidden thrill!

I think the experience is, in part, one of being seen, being touched, being experienced, and it is also the same in the opposite direction: that you see someone, you experience them, you have empathy with them. It’s a very fulfilling experience because our nature as humans is to have contact with others. We’re not solitary creatures, and so when we connect with someone at this level, it fulfills that very primal experience. And I think the more we understand the idea of that, the more we’ll be able to look for it in our connections with other people. Even if the plumber or the sales clerk or whoever knows nothing about this, you can still be open and offer yourself, though for me, this is still a work in progress. I know other people who are far more able to make those connections.

As for Maude and me, our styles are quite different. She is often discursive, exploring all the tributaries along the way. I am succinct, taciturn even. It might seem peculiar that communication works with us. I think we accept this difference as just that: “Okay. So what, that’s who you are.”

More important than the style is the content. When something starts arising in me, whether it is just personal or is about the relationship, and whether it feels good or bad, there comes a point at which it needs to be expressed.

I think what helps this is that you have to be comfortable with yourself. You have to have looked deeply enough into yourself that you can distinguish how you are from the expectations of others. You have to be able to go, “This is who I am.” And then once you know that, you can say it to someone else.

And I think the fact that I can do this so easily is because I know if I’m going to present something like this, I’m going to be heard. Communication is equally about speaking and listening.

As Maude said, if you don’t connect like this, what a waste of time and opportunity. So look to communicate deeply, because it will fill that need for connection that we all have, and strengthen all your relationships.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: What are they talking about?

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