How to Replace Blame With Honesty in Your Relationships
Podcast: Download
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS
This week several things happened that illustrate an important aspect of experiencing peace within relationships.
MAUDE: My older son and his wife just purchased a condo in Mammoth. They decided to celebrate that with the family and invited us all up there for the holidays (a neighbor volunteered their condo next door for the overflow). I was excited for them, and thrilled to get to spend a few days with everyone together, cozy in the snow, in such a beautiful place. A few days after this announcement, Phil came to me and told me that he had been thinking about it, and had decided that he wasn’t going. He shared his reasons and thoughts. I won’t go into that here, as he can speak on that for himself.
That brings me to our topic for today. First, let me share my inner response to Phil’s decision. I felt shock and needed to withdraw alone so as not to react from the first pure emotions without reflection. And I had strong emotional reactions. I felt a deep sadness, similar to grief and loss. There was even a sense of heartbreak.
What I have learned is that, when I have strong responses to interactions in our relationship, it is important for me to look inside myself. It is an opportunity for me to understand myself better and to find out what is happening within me. It gives me a chance to process my feelings and see what is moving me. It also makes it very clear that whatever I am feeling and thinking, it is about me and not about Phil. This stops me from focusing on him, his words or actions.
This is true for any deep relationship. So often, when people have strong responses, they speak without this action of looking within. The results are fraught with the path to blame, anger, recrimination, and disappointment. The charge of the feelings gets shot at the other person, instead of providing fertile ground for self-inquiry and realization.
Another important aspect of this way of responding is that once you learn what is happening inside you and what is really important in the situation for you, you can communicate this information to the other person. For both Phil and me, it is paramount to be honest with each other and to share how we feel. The path to this kind of honesty and communication comes from first finding out what that is, owning it, and then sharing that in an open and loving manner.
Knowing that my responses and feelings are mine and that they are about me and not Phil, creates an important part of the peace and calm that we feel in our relationship.
PHIL: One of the things that happened this week was a conversation between Maude and I about lack of sex. She had just had cataract surgery, and one of the requirements was no exertion for a period of time so as not to raise her blood pressure, and that caused a certain intentional inhibition of sexual desire in me that she picked up on and read as a kind of separation. She described it as an uncomfortable feeling, as if there was a disturbance in the force, but really didn’t know what was bothering her. So she talked about this with me, I explained that I was being cautious for her health, and poof, the ambiguity was resolved.
Another thing happening is an extended Christmas visit to Mammoth. I’m a Grinch, I’m not big on socializing, and the consumer orgy of present-giving freaks me out. The more I reflected on this, the more that staying behind for three solitary days of meditation, walking, and writing spoke to me. I answered that voice and declined the invitation. Maude was sad and disappointed, and is still working on her own inner understanding of what this meant to her.
The point of these stories is how we deal with events that bring up feelings for us. The first thing to do is to look at the feelings, dig deep, and find bedrock, the place from which you can speak your truth. Then you can bring this to the other person, you can show them your self, you can be real. What you haven’t done is to say they are responsible, that they are the cause of how you feel. There is no blame; instead, you invite empathy and understanding. When the other person can also examine any feelings that come up and similarly offer those, a meeting of souls can occur. That’s not a word I commonly use, but I am trying to describe an experience of contact that goes beyond the verbal; it is the sense of the other person.
This is what Maude and I have always done, and every time, we have found our way to a place of peace. That consistency has made it easier each time to trust that, whatever is going on with me, I will be heard. It is still, after all these years, an amazing way to reach connection, starting from what can feel like exactly the opposite place.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Put yourself in the driver’s seat
Read what some other writers have to say on this topic.
Get our free weekly newsletter about how to have a harmonious relationship.
The way you two handle situations is awesome. The idea of reflecting before speaking about something can really tone down uncomfortable comments that might be hard to take back. Kudos to you!!
Jeanine
I knew someone who used the word Stop as her difficult situation mantra. Whenever any decision or interaction (particularly loaded ones) occurred, she would say to herself, Stop, breath. I would add “Go inside and look at what is happening.” Its amazing how effective this simple method can be!
From Jeanine:
That’s great to have the presence of mind to say it (especially to oneself only, haha). But in a way, I guess that’s like the old adage, count to 10? What I have found is as years go on, with age I guess, things that probably would have been bigger deals in earlier days seem to lack the power they used to have. I don’t know if that’s ‘growth’ or maturity, or just realizing it’s silly to go after the same issues over and over — and as the Einstein adage goes, doing the same thing over and over and looking for different results is insanity. (think he said it other way around though). Good post!
Jeanine
We so appreciate your comment. It feels great not to only be sharing with the great unknown.
Maude
I can only love and admire the safe “corridor’ you both are able to create and protect while you explore deeper places in your own psyches. I wish there seemed a safe place for more emoting in the sense of laughter and tears. There’s a leap of faith when one can let the mind “sit out” an episode of processing and one can experience pure emotions (without blame). Perhaps that is more of an individual experience that depends upon the particular people involved. I am guessing that this process is also a highly individual one that seems perfect for both of your intellects and maybe other more emotional beings can forge a path of safety including a deep trust in actual emotional circumstances. However it may be that you are both able to remain in an intellectual state during the emotional process that allows you both a certain calm and cool during these deeper explorations of some disappointment. Thank you for bringing this to a place of discussion, I am glad to examine these thoughts within myself.
Iris
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. It is really a pleasure to read the feelings and thoughts of others to our writings. We all enrich each other by sharing those responses and inner experiences.
Maude
I’m smitten by the word “bedrock”. As a songwriter I learned that Joni Mitchell peeled back layer after layer to get to the truth that lay beneath all of her feelings, so she could tell the truth in her songs. And now I have a place to aim for; bedrock. (Cue theme song to The Flintstones).
Jinjee
This is an insightful article. Speaking your truth is facilitated by recognizing what you feel and accepting your emotions enough to honor them. It’s easier to understand others when you understand yourself.
Esther
Hi Esther,
You have a way of cutting directly to the point! Thank you for your understanding contributions.
Maude
I love how you hold space for each other, and let us into this conversation. Listening with patience, to understand and unravel who another person is, is the greatest gift we can give each other.
Marisa
How nice to be read and understood.
Maude