Replace “You’re Wrong” With “I Love You” and See What Happens

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PHIL: When you walk around, you’re probably passing judgment on people all the time: what terrible parking; that looks like a fake handbag; he’s ignoring the customers; nice hat; what weird lips. All of the negative ones are about how you think things should be and how people should behave, as if you are right and everybody else is wrong. What are the odds of that? Yes, you have reasons for the best way to park and how shop assistants should be, but they have their reasons, too.

Would the world fall to pieces if you stopped passing judgment on people? All that would happen is that the voice in your head would stop, and you could enjoy looking at the hat and the handbag.

I’ve simplified here; there are some valid judgments of reckless behavior or moral offenses, but in general, as Andy Warhol said, “So what?”

This applies even more in your personal relationships. Passing judgment is practically a stereotype here: the snippy wife, the critical husband, the bitchy girls’ clique. The panic is that if you don’t try to organize and control the world, everything will fall to pieces: the trash won’t get taken out, the work won’t get done, the children will suffer. It’s true that it takes a collaborative effort to maintain the order we need, whether that is a tidy house or a low-crime culture. But the good news is that it is in our nature to create order and to care for other people. Relax and trust that people, on the whole, carry this out.

Letting go of judgments isn’t just good for you; it’s good for the other person, too. They know it, whether through body language, tone of voice, or actual words. This allows them to relax; it removes the tension between changing to please you and living with your displeasure. Save your judgments for the important things in life.

MAUDE: I recently had an exchange with a friend that brought up the topic of judgment and how it affects relationships.

A friend of mine had a really nasty experience with someone she connected to a job. She had a bad feeling about introducing this person into the team, but she ignored it. It turned out to be somewhat of a nightmare, and this person had to be removed as she was quite disruptive. My friend, in her characteristic use of humor as a learning device, said, “I gave her the benefit of the doubt. That was my mistake. I should have given myself the benefit of the doubt!”

While it is true that we sometimes feel a judgment that something is not right and that sense needs to be paid attention to, on the whole, people are good. In most instances, it is more productive to look at ourselves when we are judging and find out what is going on there.

We all feel negative judgments more often than is warranted. It is a survival mechanism that stems from both nature and nurture. Although this response of judging whether to respond with love or fear has been successful in keeping us alive and well as a species, as we evolve, it is less and less necessary. Hopefully, as we mature, we recognize this for what it is, and we learn to work with this response differently.

Negative judgments are problematic within relationships: “He’s being selfish.” “She is only involved with herself.” “That is crossing the line.” When you respond in this way, you are creating distance within a relationship. You are separating away from the person and looking at them, rather than connecting with them. You are taking some labeling that you have created in your mind, and removing yourself from them by viewing them rather than being with them.

It can be more useful to examine what is happening within you. Are you distancing due to some bias of yours that has been evoked? Is this really a sense that you are getting of wrongness, or is it a reaction of fear, or impatience or even self-righteousness? When something challenges your beloved opinions or thoughts, do you act with rejection and disconnect? Have you made a judgment and taken an action without even realizing it?

I find it very helpful to be playful with myself and my reactions. I try out different thoughts as a practice when I catch myself judging. And I must admit that occurs much more often than I find acceptable or appropriate. Whenever I feel judgmental, I try an approach that a friend suggested. I simply look at the person and when I feel a judgment occurring, think “I love you.” This has been very powerful for me.

I’m interested in connection and not distance in my relationships. I want to go deeper, not further away. What is it you want in yours?

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Phil after being judged

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