Successful Relationships Reading Corner
This week, we wrote that your relationship expectations make you miss what’s happening. Here are some posts that we wrote that touch on aspects of expectations.
It’s Important to Treasure Each Person’s Uniqueness in Relationships “Everybody is the same AND everybody is different. It’s hard to come to terms with such a contradiction. It’s like trying to look in two different directions at once. It means that in any relationship, there are always going to be differences. They might be achievements or failings: How do they manage to do that? Why do they think that way? Why don’t they do it like me? Are you going to let those differences bug you, or can you let go of expectations of how things ought to be. But there is a step beyond being neutral; those differences can be a source of curiosity and fascination. Isn’t it amazing that another human does things so differently? Looking at that can prompt questions that might not have otherwise occurred to you: why do you do things the way you do them?”
How Peaceful Relationships Create the Freedom to Be Yourself “For much of my life, I was called commitment-phobic across a number of relationships, and that was probably true, except that I got married once, and bought a house with someone once, so what was the source of my reluctance? Rather than lie on the couch and attempt to understand the past, it’s easier and more useful to describe the difference with Maude, and that is that she has no expectations, no demands. OK, it feels like that, but it’s not entirely true. Of course, we have expectations of each other, and we formalized those in our wedding vows, which were basically (top of my head recall here) to be open with each other. So the freedom lies within that constraint, which is no constraint at all, but a wonderful invitation, the freedom to speak and be myself. Add to that the knowledge that what Maude says is the truth; there is no hidden agenda, and these are what create a spacious place to live.”
How It’s Possible to Practice Acceptance in Your Relationships “I never survived in any other relationship for more than about three years, and yet with Maude, I’m about to hit 20 years. Much of that earlier dissatisfaction was of my own making; I had expectations about intelligence, looks, and interests that were unrealistic, but I now see there was another aspect. After those breakups, along with the loss I had a sense of finding myself again. What did I like, what did I want to do, questions that were always moderated by how they would fit with the relationship. With Maude, there is no sense of losing myself, and hence no need to make space in order to find myself again. I’m not saying that there is no caring, no doing things for or with each other; of course there is, but it is a giving, not a taking. This is a subtle point. We have tasks that we take on like changing the sheets and taking the trash out, but they never turn into expectations.”