Successful Relationships Reading Corner
This week, we both had experiences with the boombox guy that pointed out a secret to peace in relationships. Here are some earlier posts that cover the same subject from different angles.
A Different Approach to Differences in Relationships “When there is a gaping difference between how I would respond and how Phil does, it stops me at first. There is that moment where I go, “What’s happening here? Something foreign is occurring.” With Phil, this short stop lasts a relatively brief time. I don’t have that initial response to push it away because it’s different, or to defend against it, or change it. I relax and look at the response with interest, examining if I might try it that way, or at the least, I see that it’s Phil’s way and has nothing to do with me. Occasionally, when something is so different that it keeps nudging at me or even unsettling me, I tell Phil about my feelings, making sure it is clear I am talking about how I feel, and it is not about him. Often just telling him, while he listens calmly and with love, changes that feeling. We both listen, looking for that thread, for that opportunity of understanding. We talk back and forth until we get to a mutual place of peace and balance with the difference. Never, even when dealing with an originally charged reaction, do either of us ever question our connection, or the we of us. These kinds of things don’t even touch on that.”
Why Differences Don’t Need to Create Problems in Your Relationships
“MAUDE: All of those things that you brought up are about making comparisons. You used words like “far more,” “handle it better,” and “failings.” You didn’t say anything negative. You said something you know very well, which got you to ultimately look on the sunny side. We are different because I don’t work through comparison, but you used those comparisons to get to the same place I would go to. You know what I’m saying? We are different, but the thing is, we wind up getting to the same place regardless of how we go there.
PHIL: That’s an inspiring and humbling observation, and something I hadn’t noticed until you brought it more into the open. But our relationship doesn’t hinge on that kind of comparison.
MAUDE: If it’s not measuring and evaluating, if it’s merely seeing, that’s so different, and I really love that.
PHIL: Right, it’s an apples and oranges thing.
MAUDE: And then you have a bunch of fruit instead of just one piece of fruit.”
How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “In last week’s post, we wrote that having peaceful relationships is a choice. So, let’s say you have made that choice. What now?One of the biggest things to find a way to embrace within yourself is the fact that we are all unique; we are each one of a kind. Although we all share many similarities, we are all different. Many who write on the topic of relationships feel that this difference means that conflict is inevitable. From our own personal experience, we strongly disagree with this viewpoint. To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness. Start with relationships that are, or that you want to be, deep and close: friendships, partners, relatives. It is easier to accept these differences in those we feel close to. As you develop the experiences with them, you can move out toward those with whom you have less and less similarity.”