Successful Relationships Reading Corner
This week, we wrote that the secret to deep, peaceful relationships is quiet but powerful trust. It is an important aspect, and we have written about it a number of times before.
How Honesty Leads to Trust in Your Relationships “At the same time, we’re individuals with our own ideas of how things should be, yet to live together, we need to moderate ourselves to fit in with other people. We have to hide a part of ourselves; we are not fully seen. Close relationships are the forum where we can change this and show ourselves completely. How does that transition occur? It starts with taking a small risk by being honest and expressing something that might be ridiculed or laughed at, used to shame you, or used against you. When your listener does not take advantage of this, but instead hears and sees you, it increases your trust in how open you can be with them, and you can progressively share more of yourself. Trust is measured in actions more than words, and your intuition knows better than your head. Be sure to check that this is a true intuition rather than your inner fears from past experiences.”
How Trust and Peace go Hand in Hand in Your Relationships “We’ve been talking about trust as one of the most basic aspects of a peaceful relationship: what it feels like, how you get there, what behavior engenders it. I wanted to write about my personal experience, so to do that, I looked at 6 close relationships where I feel deep trust in the people and in the relationship, and I know that it is mutual. These were with Phil, 3 women friends, and my two sons. It’s easy to feel trusting with Phil because he shares who he is openly and without defenses. Over time, I have learned from his actions as well as his words that he wishes me well and cares deeply, seeks fairness, and is a compassionate person. He relates from love, not fear. And that is the same for each of these 6 relationships, and all the others I have that bear the fruits of peace and fulfillment.In looking at all of these relationships, I see much the same qualities, all expressed differently by each of the unique personalities. The experience of this trust has built over time. It takes time to slowly open to another and let go of your defenses, bit by bit. All of these are also without certain responses, like suspicion, withholding, distance, or deception. We accept each other for who we are.”
Why Trust is so Important in All Your Relationships “Trust in another person comes from what they do, not what they say. “Trust me, I’ll pay you back” is worth a lot less than a Venmo payment. It takes time and the observation of actions as well as words to ascertain how much you can trust another person. How do they behave in difficult situations like a toothache, a car crash, a delayed flight? Trust builds as you learn more and more how they act and react in the world. The more you know someone and you learn their core values, the more you can develop the knowledge that creates trust. We may all have a different list of what elicits trust in the other person. There are different aspects we translate into trustworthiness. Yet, whatever these are, we all recognize this feeling, when it is there and when it is not. Constancy is a big part of it. Are they always the same person, or does a completely different personality appear at times? For us, an important factor was experiencing that each of us remained the same person every time we encountered each other. That may sound strange to point out, but we had both had the previous experience of being in a relationship where we never knew who we might be interacting with when coming together. The moods, and it seemed the person, were ever changing. This caused a state of insecurity and unease. In our relationship, there is a constancy of personality expression that brings with it a feeling of peace and calm.”