Successful Relationships Reading Corner
This week, we wrote about how to grow trust in your relationships. It is an important topic, and we have explored various aspects of it in previous posts.
The Secret to Deep, Peaceful Relationships is Quiet but Powerful Trust “Trust is an essential part of good relationships. The first thing I want to say about trusting someone is that it is not what they say, it is what they do. What they say about themselves or how they promise to be is not a basis for trust; instead, it is how they actually act in the world, and it takes time to learn how they behave under various circumstances. Trust is something that builds up slowly over time. The other side is how you show yourself to be trustworthy, and that is by being open and honest. The two operate together. Honesty is paramount; if the other person cannot be sure what you say is actually the case, how can they ever fully trust you? So you demonstrate that by being open, by sharing your feelings and responses. That’s not something we do fully as a matter of course; we use social graces to fit in. But as we come to trust another person, we can drop our persona and reveal more, so we become more trustworthy to the other person.”
How Trust and Peace go Hand in Hand in Your Relationships “We’ve been talking about trust as one of the most basic aspects of a peaceful relationship: what it feels like, how you get there, what behavior engenders it. I wanted to write about my personal experience, so to do that, I looked at 6 close relationships where I feel deep trust in the people and in the relationship, and I know that it is mutual. These were with Phil, 3 women friends, and my two sons. It’s easy to feel trusting with Phil because he shares who he is openly and without defenses. Over time, I have learned from his actions as well as his words that he wishes me well and cares deeply, seeks fairness, and is a compassionate person. He relates from love, not fear. And that is the same for each of these 6 relationships, and all the others I have that bear the fruits of peace and fulfillment.In looking at all of these relationships, I see much the same qualities, all expressed differently by each of the unique personalities. The experience of this trust has built over time. It takes time to slowly open to another and let go of your defenses, bit by bit. All of these are also without certain responses, like suspicion, withholding, distance, or deception. We accept each other for who we are.”
How Honesty Leads to Trust in Your Relationships “We humans are social animals who need each other to thrive. We need other people to smelt steel, grow wheat, bake pizza, print books, build pianos, and make toaster ovens. People have to work together and agree on how things are done. Along with that, we have to work out how to live together. For society to run smoothly, we copy each other in many ways: we all drive on the same side of the road, stop at red lights, exchange pieces of paper for meals, and dress similarly. At the same time, we’re individuals with our own ideas of how things should be, yet to live together, we need to moderate ourselves to fit in with other people. We have to hide a part of ourselves; we are not fully seen. Close relationships are the forum where we can change this and show ourselves completely. How does that transition occur?It starts with taking a small risk by being honest and expressing something that might be ridiculed or laughed at, used to shame you, or used against you. When your listener does not take advantage of this, but instead hears and sees you, it increases your trust in how open you can be with them, and you can progressively share more of yourself.”