The Power of Seeing and Being Seen in Your Relationships

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PHIL: Feeling seen by someone is a wonderful experience. We (most of us, anyway) cover up our interior self to get along in society, and as a result, lose touch with exactly who we are. To have our desires, uncertainties, dreams recognized by someone else is a reminder of who we are, a reminder that it is all right to be that way.

A different experience of being seen happened several times in the early years of being with Maude. She would describe me in a complimentary way that contradicted how I thought I was, yet I recognized it as true and used it to reframe how I saw myself.

There is a kind of Pavlovian aspect to this. Someone says, “Oh, I like that,” and so you act more in that way.

Now consider what it is like when you are the other person, the one saying what you see. It’s an action. You have to say it like it is; you have to be present. And of course, it is going to be from your perspective; there is no way it is possible to be objective, neutral. So how do you deal with an observation that is negative or touches on something sensitive?

You can “tell it like it is”, and I’m sure we’ve all known that person who cloaks their cruelty by claiming they are only being honest. You can talk about it by being gentle. Or you could say nothing at all, but that does not create the radical closeness that arises from seeing and being seen. (The Guardian has a nice article on white lies.)

Try looking at what irks you. Are they doing something differently than you would? Is it annoying you? Why? Is it not the way that things are always done; is it disturbing your peace? This is the path of total acceptance: that everybody is their own person, and you should not demand that they bend to your will. At most, speak about how it is affecting you.

We usually talk about these topics in the opposite order: that total acceptance is non-interference in the affairs of another. Once these differences are accepted, you can appreciate the miracle of someone else doing their own thing. Yet this appreciation means nothing to the other person until you speak it. These we call the Three A’s: Acceptance, Appreciation, Acknowledgment.

MAUDE: Do you remember that moment in a relationship where you felt seen for who you are? Feeling that you are seen in any relationship deepens that relationship, as well as furthering your understanding of yourself.

There’s a very distinct sensation associated with truly being seen, and this can happen in two different ways. One is when a person acknowledges you for something about yourself that you value and treasure, perhaps even something you feel within you but do not talk about. It is a moment that stops time and focuses your attention on the other person in a very new way. The knowledge that they are really looking at you and giving you their presence and attention enough to ‘get you’ forms bonds that are well-nigh unbreakable.

The other part of being seen is when someone shares with you that they see you having skills or behaviors that you have not observed in yourself. And yet, perhaps, it doesn’t sound totally strange or foreign to you. You can somehow identify with it or recognize it slightly, but you don’t really see it till you get it reflected back. After rolling it around for a bit, you may even be led to look at yourself that way. Or, you may be pulled to grow toward that image of you the other person has given you. “Hmm, is that really me? I hadn’t thought of myself that way, or ever heard that from someone about myself. But, I can see that may be true.”

Whether the feedback you receive is new to you or something you know and like about yourself, having that communicated to you in a way that feels true, solidifies that relationship. These are the kinds of bonds that, when forged, take a relationship to new levels of union. A different sense of trust and knowing enters the exchange.

The other end of this experience occurs within the person doing the seeing. When you show up in the present with another person and are open to receiving what they share of themselves, you can experience them with ever-fresh eyes. When you are not totally wrapped up in yourself, you will be able to connect and get a more direct sense of the other person. If you acknowledge them for what you learn about them, you create a different level of relationship. This act enriches both the person seeing and the person being seen.

Take the time to deepen your relationships by becoming aware of this practice. And never stop looking and seeing each other.

We want to remind all of you that today, Sunday September 21st, is The International Day of Peace.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: Can you see me?

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