The Secret to Peaceful Relationships is Cooperative Interaction

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Hi there, Phil and Maude here. You may notice that we haven’t done a holiday post here. Since we write about peace all year round, and that is what we hope for, we will just say:

Have a wonderful holiday season, and may you experience peace in all of your relationships.

MAUDE: Last night, Phil and I reflected on our thoughts for this week’s post. I went to sleep with my head full of the ideas we had exchanged. All through the night, I found myself having a phrase reappear. It would come to me clearly, and I kept telling myself to remember it. Then slowly, through sleep and dreaming, it would disappear. Each time I awoke, I didn’t have it, but it was right there on the tip of my mind. After an inner push, it came forth: cooperative interaction.

Cooperative: an attitude from each of the people in the relationship; sharing the same intentions; taking actions that reflect shared meanings and values.
Interaction: connection; behavior toward one another; relational.

Cooperative interactions are a cornerstone of peaceful relationships. Some of these have been spoken of and agreed to, some come naturally from shared core values and how they are applied. The shared intention must include treating each other with love and well-wishing. This is an ongoing learning process. As you get closer and as each of you grows, the language and emphasis change. The shared intention does not.

This requires awareness that you behave with that intention: offering respect toward one another, toward each other’s unique personality, listening and paying attention, acting with kindness and gentleness, moderating your tone of voice, sharing yourself, and being open.

When each of you acts with this awareness, you bring presence to being with each other. Avoid going into autopilot. Don’t let the fundamental feeling of honoring the other, for all they are and all they mean to you, evaporate. Stay present.

This kind of presence gives you the gap, the pause between reaction and response, to find the best way and tone to communicate. Asking yourself, “What is important here?” is a great way to find that. A deep relationship is a great treasure! When you approach each other with a sense of awe, you become aware of that gift and can bring appropriate reverence to the possibilities it opens for you.

PHIL: Maude came up with the idea of cooperative interaction, and I immediately pictured its opposite as egoistic interaction. That is when you approach relationships with the mindset of what is in it for you: status, sex, security. There is also what it might cost you: privacy, money, security. Yes, it’s a very transactional view of relationships, but some people crave these things in order to support both their physical needs and self-image. You probably know defended people who act like this.

But we are not just independent actors trying to optimize our position in life. Even as infants, we have a theory of mind – the understanding that other people have their own thoughts, desires, and motives. It’s more than an idea – mirror neurons and empathy inform us directly of how other people are. Cooperative interaction is what happens when you act on this understanding.

To practice cooperative interaction, your ego has to soften. You have to be open to contact with another person, a connection we all need. Without it, we shrivel up. It is as necessary for the spirit as water is for the body. It arises naturally between people, but to sustain it, you must be aware of when that connection is weakening.

To avoid this, you need to have some kind of signal when you are slipping back to egoistic interaction. Your cue is a feeling of discomfort, the equivalent of a chime in a meditation session. Pay attention to it. Stop what you are doing, talk to the other person, and invite them to help sort out whatever is happening. You don’t have to fall into the chasm of conflict, wound each other, then crawl back out. When the defensive ego side is stilled, it becomes a novel experience, climbing around in places you didn’t know existed or haven’t visited in a long time. When both of you are aware and both of you want to restore harmony, you can do it.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: Wood you be mine?

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