Why Appreciation and Acknowledgment are Vital to Joyful Relationships
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PHIL: We haven’t talked about appreciation and acknowledgment in a while. The two go hand-in-hand, or perhaps hand-in-glove is a better metaphor. It is important to appreciate someone, but when you also acknowledge their qualities, they feel seen, and this is wonderful, because it strengthens the sense of self. It’s easy to become estranged from yourself because of the demands of life and other people, and social adaptations, so feeling seen is a very grounding experience.
But let’s start with appreciation. It might be for what they are, or what they do. To see these in someone, you have to look at what is present, not what is missing. It’s easy to have expectations about how things should be done, how people should behave, and these get in the way. Everybody is different, and seeing those differences as flaws, rather than objects of fascination, is a fatal handicap.
The fact that everyone is different carries a remarkable implication: that the relationship between you and them is unique. There is nobody else quite like them. To be with them is a unique experience. I think it is easy to overlook this because of our expectations, just as we might assume that all strawberries taste the same unless we pay attention to the flavor. Paying attention is the way to counter this tendency; that is to say, be present. After all, how can you see another person if you’re not present? This is how to recognize the unique flavor of each person.
I think this may be why some people struggle to move on from the grief of losing someone, either through death or breakup. They were unique, and looking to find the same again is a mistake.
The ability to see someone also depends on what is shown, and that’s never the whole thing at first. It’s not safe. But by reflecting back what is seen – acknowledgment, in other words – you put out the message that they are being seen for who they are, rather than being entangled in prejudices and assumptions. This encourages them to be more open, and as you reflect that back and are also open yourself, the trust and openness between you grows.
Once you both strip off all the social posturing, you have a sense of connection – a pleasure at being with this particular person. And I think you can take this attitude out into the world. I’m not suggesting you can be bosom buddies with everybody (though here, I might only be describing my own limitations), but I do think, as I walk past people on the street, that each of them has their own interior world that is just as complex and complicated as mine.
MAUDE: We have written about the 3 A’s of peaceful relating a number of times: Acceptance, Appreciation and Acknowledgment. We realized in talking about this post that we haven’t recently written about the last two: Appreciation and Acknowledgment. It is equally important to both give and receive these in your relationships.
Appreciating another requires a number of things on your part. You need to be paying attention, which happens best when you can be fully present with someone. You will be looking for the positive qualities in that person; something it is good to practice in every relationship. You can put your attention wherever you choose. So, why not put it on the attributes that engage you and make you interested in learning more? (I am not talking here about ignoring potential threats.) With respect to the positive, it is good to embrace both differences and similarities for what they can add to you.
You may appreciate another, but not recognize the need to acknowledge them for what you see. How will they know if you do not communicate it? True, there is body language and tone of voice that can communicate a lot of the appreciation you feel. Still, there is no substitute for speaking your feelings to one another. When you share with another person what you appreciate about them, It has many meaningful results for the person and for the connection.
This kind of acknowledgment is the very foundation that establishes the connection between you and another. When you both appreciate and then acknowledge what you see in the other person, they feel seen and heard. This is the most powerful way to bring each other into a more intimate rapport and a feeling of kinship. Feeling seen and heard is a balm to the soul.
When the things you are appreciated for are the things you best cherish in yourself, something really magical occurs. There is a feeling of coming home with that person. This is accompanied by a feeling of safety and joy. The groundwork is laid for openness, trust, and honesty.
This is how I felt as Phil and I grew to know one another and acknowledge one another. He expressed, in his words, what I felt about myself in some deep part of me. I knew I was being appreciated for who I am. This is how it is with my deepest friends and most intimate contacts. We see each other. We feel each other. We hear each other.
This is an aspect of peaceful relationships that never goes away. The marvel of being seen and heard is a thread that weaves throughout all the years, throughout all of the relationship. It keeps growing. It brings sparkle and comfort through hard as well as joyful times. And it is important to never stop saying and showing that appreciation by acknowledging it in all possible ways.
Photo credit: Robert Milford
Photo note: Phil and Maude in Santa Cruz
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