Why is an Inner Sense of Safety Vital to Peaceful Relationships?

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Hi there, Phil and Maude here. Wishing you a happy New Year and peace within your relationships in 2026.

MAUDE: The other day, I was talking to one of my longest known and dearest friends, and she said to me that I am one of the very few who she can talk with about anything. I thought about this for quite a while, as it both moved me and was thought-provoking. What came up for me the strongest was that these kinds of relationships are marked by a feeling of safety.

A deep and abiding sense of safety is an integral part of peaceful relationships. I’m not referring here to a lack of abuse, either physical or mental; that goes without saying. I’m describing a calm center where you know, almost without thinking about it, that you do not have to defend or protect from anything coming from the other person.

I share this sense with everyone with whom I have close, intimate relationships. I am at my ease, relaxed and able to be and share myself freely. I feel seen and heard. And even when not, I know that this result is desired, even if it isn’t there completely yet. Where does this sense come from, and how can you build it into your relationships?

I think there is a certain radar we have about these kinds of things if we have come to know ourselves well enough and are paying attention. We intuit the possibility of this way of being together with some people.

A non-judgmental approach is required. The kind of judgment I’m talking about is where one of you takes a step or two away from the other person, viewing what they are saying in terms of good and bad, right and wrong. This is the opposite of stepping toward each other, of moving toward connection rather than away from it. When you pull yourself out of relating for any reason, it is felt strongly, and this usually causes a ripple, if not a tear, in the rapport.

In my experience, this has to be a mutually felt and desired way of being together. Neither person may be perfect at it, but both have to intend to be this way with each other. Both have to be willing to listen enough to come to understand the language of the other person, and where their zones of comfort are.

I had a partner once who was very there when he was there, but also often totally not available or present. No matter how great the connection was when it was happening, I never felt the kind of safety I’m referring to here.

This doesn’t involve seeing everything the same, or agreeing on everything, or even most things. It does seem to be reflected by having matching or complementary core values. This kind of being together is greatly aided by developing a communication style that occurs in the present, and when you can talk about your communication freely and in an unloaded manner. Literally using the present tense when talking is one way of getting this habit pattern going.

Feeling safe also comes from experiencing a person’s actions and seeing how much those match their words. It is an accumulation of many big and small things, and it is essential to peace within a relationship.

PHIL: A large part of being with Maude is knowing that I am not going to be attacked or criticized. That’s because we both practice total acceptance; whatever she does is hers to choose, and I can do this because we have shared core values. So who am I to interfere with her free agency? I spent years thinking that this was the key aspect of a peaceful relationship, and I still do, but I now see how it connects with and leads to other aspects of the relationship, one of which is feeling safe. When I am totally accepted, I can feel safe to be myself, to say what is happening with me and with my interactions with Maude. If I am upset, directionless, or struggling, I can speak about it.

Where does that knowledge come from? Four months after Maude and I met, we took a trip to Europe together. At that early stage, our sense of trust in each other was intuitive, rather than acquired through observing each other’s behavior over an extended period of time. It wasn’t until later that we stood back, looked at our relationship, and marveled at its peaceful quality. Recognizing the contribution of trust was, I think, a developing awareness. After 20 years, that sense of trust remains unchanged, which means that the early intuition was of something real, and not just the initial euphoria of a new relationship. That trust is the basis for total acceptance, and that acceptance is how we feel safe with each other.

In my first marriage, a common complaint was that I offered advice instead of just listening. She was right, in that I heard “This happened, so I have a problem” and responded with “Maybe this is a solution.” Someone else might hear “This happened, so I feel bad” and respond with “That sounds so upsetting.” I tell this story because giving unsolicited advice makes the other person feel they are not being heard. There is a tiny element of control in offering advice this way. It is proposing that they should act the same way that you do. It’s fine to offer advice when hearing “This happened; what can I do?”

A daughter of one of our ex-tenants dropped by to see us when she was in town. Around 20, she was in the process of finding her way in the world. I was delighted to hear later that she appreciated that we did not tell her what she should do.

So if you want people to feel safe with you, just listen.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Children half-buried in sand at the beach

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