Why Respect is Important for Creating Peaceful Relationships

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PHIL: Respect. Like many words, it has come to have several meanings. There is deference: you should respect your parents or pay your respects to someone. But in a relationship, it has a different meaning.

When we started to talk about how it manifests in our relationship, my first thought was that I respect Maude for her unflinching honesty. To know that she means what she says rather than having to wonder if it is a coded message is a wonderful relief. But then I thought that respect is not the right word; I love her for it and admire her effortless ability to be direct, but respect in a relationship is not the same as a respect for talents; for instance, I respect my sister for her amazing ability to draw a face in two minutes.

Respect in a relationship is about recognizing that you are equal, and that can be hard to see because there are so many differences between people. We’ve often written about accepting differences, but language gets in the way here because we have great difficulty in holding two opposite qualities at once. Water isn’t both hot and cold; it’s not night and day at the same time.

Yet people are both the same and different at once. There are similarities in that we breathe and eat and watch Netflix, but the similarity that respect recognizes is that we all exist, have our own worlds and views and foibles.

So treat other people as if they were another you. (This is the Golden Rule.) Don’t impinge, tread on, poke, or invade them. Of course, you can interact, advise, react, suggest, but we each have our own boundary, our own locus of control; don’t overstep it.

I think the idea of equality is a hard idea for many people to grasp because we are the center of our own world. The Declaration of Independence opens by saying that all men are created equal. I find that an inspiring basis for a nation. Would that we all live up to it.

MAUDE: Phil and I were talking about an element of relationships that we haven’t often brought up in our posts, respect. A new understanding of what that is within relationships would go a long way toward creating loving peaceful interactions. It is often seen as a formal way of relating to others; most often with strangers or those in a position of authority.

There is a much more vital aspect to feeling and behaving with respect in our intimate and deepest relations, and in developing this behavior in a way that we can spread out into the larger community. It is one that is much needed now to deal with the times we find ourselves in. It is also a basic component of all peaceful connections.

When we relate to another, we have to do so with a profound respect for their sacrosanct nature. This understanding brings about an unexpected result. It means that we accept and honor the boundaries between ourselves and those of others. And strangely, by the very fact that we do that, the boundaries slowly disappear, along with any sense of separation and distance. By treating the other person with honor and an awareness of their unique person, we establish a deep sense of calm, trust and safety in the relationship.

Each of us is unique. Inherent in that statement is the truth that we are by our very nature always different. We experience the paradox of being both different and the same. We all share so much within our humanity, and yet we each bring different pieces of the puzzle to the party. When we approach others with this understanding, it does much to foster the kind of connection that those who value peace desire. Phil and I have a sense of awe about our uniqueness as we share ourselves. We have developed a keen awareness of our similarities and differences. I find myself grateful for both, and am amazed that his otherness seems to be a constant source of learning and discovery, even after all these years!

I have found this kind of closeness with others through the same methods of respect and recognition. Although, I must also admit that spreading this out toward the larger community still presents its challenges for me. Yet, the more I experience it with those with whom I have bridged the gap, the deeper I am attracted to interacting in this way. There is much fascination and joy in uncovering the similarities within the differences and the value of both.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: Phil and Maude bow to each other

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